Category: rants & nostalgia

“The Panic at the North Pole!”

A note from glancing at the beginning of this issue: 15 out of the 22 sentences in the opening 2 pages end with an exclamation point. Hopefully that drives home to you how hard they were trying (very hard) in these precious first issues of GI JOE to deliver groin-grabbing excitement. I think they’re trying a little too hard.

The issue opens on a decimated American winter base in the middle of the Arctic. To set the stage of what’s going on in the world at the time that this series was started, the Americans immediately suspect “Ivan”—The Russians. If you’re looking for real Cold War nostalgia, look no further. And there will be more. Much more.

Anyway, the JOEs visit a nearby “Ivan” base to see if the Russians are indeed behind the attack on US property. As they arrive, an Eskimo goes inside the “base” (aka TUFF SHED) and leaves shortly thereafter. When he’s gone, the JOEs search the base to find the Russians dead and some equipment missing. Snake Eyes finds an armed bomb and the group escapes just before the base explodes. Speaking of Snake Eyes, we also learn in this issue (at the beginning) that Snake Eyes has a massively deformed face. We don’t get to see this, of course. We find out in classic comic fashion– by some guy remarking on it (“My God! Your face!”) from an angle where we can’t see.

The Eskimo turns out to be Kwinn; in this issue he’s a total weirdo but he eventually becomes important. The US army brass sends a communique on Breaker’s teleprinter:

(more…)

A few months ago, I walked into Midwest Pickers Warehouse in Omaha with my wife. She wanted to look for some retro-ish credenza for our hallway. For those of you who don’t live here or who haven’t been, this business is exactly what it sounds like – – a couple of folks sitting in a warehouse in midtown Omaha, hocking antiques and old crap of every possible variety for “retail prices.”

Example: They had a Show-Biz Pizza glass (WANT), a Metz Beer ice bucket from the 30’s (WANT), and a baseball glove signed by Carl Sabo (not really, but it may as well have been). What I find so interesting about these places is that I used to go to places like this all the time – – thrift stores, garage sales, flea markets – – wherever I thought I could find a “cool” old t-shirt. In those days, everything was so reasonable. A shirt was a quarter or a buck. Shoes were, like, $5. Now, thanks to America’s nostalgia kick, and The History Channel’s “American Pickers,” everything in these places costs more than any sane person would be willing to pay for them. The Metz Beer ice bucket, for example, was $130 – – just so we’re clear about why I don’t own it.

We walked around the warehouse, gawking at some of the bizarre stuff and marveling at some of the others (a card catalog from the old State Capital when it was in Omaha!). Just as we were leaving, my eye caught something – – a stack of old comics, buried under a Star Wars board game (the game was super awesome, but they wanted $70. I’m in the wrong business). I dislodged the comics and carefully fanned them out on the card table. I was stunned by what I was looking at – – a large stack of GI JOE comics from the 1980s, in seemingly great condition (“great” is relative; I’m definitely not qualified to really rate them). The first thing I laid eyes on was this:

(more…)

Between his funny voice and Tom Hardy’s inherent magnetism, it’s very easy to ignore everything else in “The Dark Knight Rises.” But, believe it or not, there’s actually a plot in that movie, and it doesn’t make a LICK of sense. Don’t get me wrong, though. I love the movie. Absolutely. I’ll see it dozens of times over the years, I’m sure. I’m not trying to pick any nits here, because I think that the movie works, in spite of the fact that it’s stupid as hell. We’re talking potatoes-with-mouths, capital-S Stupid. And there is no part of the movie stupider than Bane’s idiotic Master Plan. Let’s review! What is he trying to accomplish? What is his plan?

1. Help THE GODDAMN BATMAN fund a fusion reactor so they can eventually turn it into an atomic bomb.

2. Bankrupt THE GODDAMN BATMAN in order to bribe Daggett (not Roland, unfortunately) into having his construction crews plant bombs all over the sewers of Gotham.

3. Accidentally lure the police into the sewers, where the aforementioned bombs are placed, detonate those bombs, and trap the police forever (keep them with a steady supply of food and water, btw, until they escape, at which point they’re fair game to be murdered).

4. Lock down Gotham, impose Martial Law, release the inmates of Blackgate, and give the city back to the people. If anybody interferes, the nuke goes off.

5. Show the people of Gotham that Gordon is a fraud.

6. Break The Batman. Put him in a prison known only for its hopefulness.

7. Inspire REVOLUTION in Gotham.

8. Kill The Batman.

9. Explode Gotham.

10. Die in the explosion.

I recently watched The Dark Knight Rises for a third time in theatres, and a question kept popping into my mind (one of many, actually).

Why did Batman care about Catwoman AT ALL?

Why did he choose her as his future, beyond the cape? There are a lot of head-scratchers in that movie, but that one is right at the top of the list. So let’s review! What did he see in her? To get to the bottom of it, let’s look at what, exactly, she does during the course of the film to make him fall for her.

1. She steals his dead mom’s pearl necklace, as well as Bruce’s fingerprints.

2. Admits she robs the rich to give to the poor herself.

3. Steals Bruce’s sports car.

4. Gives Bruce’s prints to a badguy, which bankrupts Bruce and makes him lose his parents’ company.

5. The loss of the company leads to the destruction of Gotham, with the usage of gadgets that the badguys stole from the Applied Sciences division (also, they got a nuclear bomb out of the deal).

6. She hands Batman to Bane, so that Bane can kill him. Instead, Batman’s just crippled and left for dead.

7. With Batman gone, Bane enacts Martial Law and destroys the entire city, so Batman can see the depth of his failure.

8. Batman gives her an escape route (with the clean-slate thing she had been striving for) from Gotham. She comes very, very close to taking it, but she returns at the absolute last possible second to save Batman from Bane, by shooting Bane. With a gun (which Batman expressly told her not to use when he first met her).

9. Batman decides to sacrifice himself to save the city of Gotham. She says, “Yeah, okay. Good luck, bro!”

10. He runs off with her and lives happily ever after.