Doom & Doomer: The Amazing Spider-Man

Between his funny voice and Tom Hardy’s inherent magnetism, it’s very easy to ignore everything else in “The Dark Knight Rises.” But, believe it or not, there’s actually a plot in that movie, and it doesn’t make a LICK of sense. Don’t get me wrong, though. I love the movie. Absolutely. I’ll see it dozens of times over the years, I’m sure. I’m not trying to pick any nits here, because I think that the movie works, in spite of the fact that it’s stupid as hell. We’re talking potatoes-with-mouths, capital-S Stupid. And there is no part of the movie stupider than Bane’s idiotic Master Plan. Let’s review! What is he trying to accomplish? What is his plan?

1. Help THE GODDAMN BATMAN fund a fusion reactor so they can eventually turn it into an atomic bomb.

2. Bankrupt THE GODDAMN BATMAN in order to bribe Daggett (not Roland, unfortunately) into having his construction crews plant bombs all over the sewers of Gotham.

3. Accidentally lure the police into the sewers, where the aforementioned bombs are placed, detonate those bombs, and trap the police forever (keep them with a steady supply of food and water, btw, until they escape, at which point they’re fair game to be murdered).

4. Lock down Gotham, impose Martial Law, release the inmates of Blackgate, and give the city back to the people. If anybody interferes, the nuke goes off.

5. Show the people of Gotham that Gordon is a fraud.

6. Break The Batman. Put him in a prison known only for its hopefulness.

7. Inspire REVOLUTION in Gotham.

8. Kill The Batman.

9. Explode Gotham.

10. Die in the explosion.

I recently watched The Dark Knight Rises for a third time in theatres, and a question kept popping into my mind (one of many, actually).

Why did Batman care about Catwoman AT ALL?

Why did he choose her as his future, beyond the cape? There are a lot of head-scratchers in that movie, but that one is right at the top of the list. So let’s review! What did he see in her? To get to the bottom of it, let’s look at what, exactly, she does during the course of the film to make him fall for her.

1. She steals his dead mom’s pearl necklace, as well as Bruce’s fingerprints.

2. Admits she robs the rich to give to the poor herself.

3. Steals Bruce’s sports car.

4. Gives Bruce’s prints to a badguy, which bankrupts Bruce and makes him lose his parents’ company.

5. The loss of the company leads to the destruction of Gotham, with the usage of gadgets that the badguys stole from the Applied Sciences division (also, they got a nuclear bomb out of the deal).

6. She hands Batman to Bane, so that Bane can kill him. Instead, Batman’s just crippled and left for dead.

7. With Batman gone, Bane enacts Martial Law and destroys the entire city, so Batman can see the depth of his failure.

8. Batman gives her an escape route (with the clean-slate thing she had been striving for) from Gotham. She comes very, very close to taking it, but she returns at the absolute last possible second to save Batman from Bane, by shooting Bane. With a gun (which Batman expressly told her not to use when he first met her).

9. Batman decides to sacrifice himself to save the city of Gotham. She says, “Yeah, okay. Good luck, bro!”

10. He runs off with her and lives happily ever after.