More terrible comic movies
This started as a comment, but has segued into it’s own list based on Doom DeLuise’s. Before X-Men, most comic book movies were laughable at best, cripplingly bad at worst.
Del does a good summation of the familiar garbage. There is no defending The Hockey Team from Hell in “Batman and Robin.” And though the picture was of “Catwoman” for the post, that horrid turd was nowhere to be seen. And it’s baaaaaaaaaaad.
Here are a few contenders I would throw in the ring, though I don’t play by the same rules he does as far as theatrical release, etc.
Vault of Horror – (1973) – The original “Tales from the Crypt” movie is one of my favorite horror movies, throwing us into a fun, escapist world of ghastly revenge and macabre delights. The sequel, unfortunately, is unwatchable garbage that fails to captivate or even hold on to tangible comprehendability.
Howard the Duck – (1986) – This clip is NSFW, but sums up the movie pretty well. Why NSFW? Naked, anthropomorphic ducks. Thanks George Lucas!
Art School Confidential (2006) – Terry Zwigoff took some liberties with “Ghost World” and pulled it off, fleshing out the story without losing track of the characters. In his Clowes follow-up, he miserably fails. His task was to make a feature length movie out of a three page comic story about art school stereotypes. What we got as a muddled affair of nothingness.
Guyver (1991) – I really can’t fathom how horrid this thing is. It’s got Mark Hamill as a detective and some schmoe as a transforming body suit thing. Even when young, I thought this was bad. Now that I’m older, it’s even worse.
Red Sonja (1985) – So Conan was popular, right? Why not make a movie about a FEMALE Conan, and put the guy who was Conan in it? Oh man, awesome f—ing idea, right?
Return of the Swamp Thing (1989) – One of the (many) reasons Alan Moore won’t put his name on a movie related to anything he wrote.
And a couple not so obscure …
300 (2007) – Somebody had to say it. I have never seen such utter garbage that was so adored by a mass of idiots. The blatant homoeroticism was lost on the “blood in your dick” crowd. Watched as a movie, it fails. Watched as gay porn, it delivers … boners.
Constantine (2005) – Yep, it’s bad.
I had no idea MacGyver was based on a comic book.
I don’t understand the connection that’s suggested by saying the people who liked it missed the blatant homoeroticism.
People who liked 300 are gay homo queers.
I didn’t finish my point, I suppose. It was the meat heads who walked out ready to fight someone that missed it.
300 is an excellent addition to this list, though not because of it’s poor redition of a historical event, or because of the latent homo-erotic themes within. This movie belongs because of the merciless way it has skewed movie production. If I hear one more production company spew that they’re creating a movie in the same style as LOTR or 300 I’m going to bleed out of my eyes and run around the room like Linda Blair. Nobody went to see 300 for the pretty sunsets or the curious use of shadow. They, like me, went to the movie to see somebody’s throat slashed with a big freakin’ spear. Violence sold the movie, not Frank Miller’s vision, the soundtrack, or the legion of scantily clad men singing in the well choregraphed shower scene.
I liked 300 but I completely agree with this point.
300 had too much writhing.
Ok, this article is obviously inaccurate. Richard Dean Anderson was the only actor to appear as MacGyver in a film, and those were strictly made-for-TV. Plus, the Phoenix Foundation doesn’t employ any detectives. Get your facts straight!
I know the later Crow movies are crimes against god and man, but can’t directly remember them. But I’m probably too easy on comic movies, since I’m old and can remember when we didn’t have Spider-Man, Hulk, or Iron Man movies; we had Condorman. Dark times, kids, dark times.