Countdown to Final Crisis: Two

Sweet, merciful crap, it’s almost over.

Let me ask you an old question: If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody’s around to hear it, does it still make a sound? Now let me twist that question just a tad: If a direct Countdown tie-in features a major plot point months in advance to an issue of Countdown, do you think Countdown will acknowledge it or realize it happened? Let me ask it differently: Does the Pope shit on Countdown in the woods?

I’d usually pause at this point and say that we need to catch up to whatever happened in this issue, or whatever they’re passing off as happening in this issue, but I don’t know if you guys will be able to keep up this week. Take a deep breath to focus all of your energies on this following summation, so that you don’t have to re-read it. It may be worth re-reading; don’t get me wrong. That’s a judgment call that you’re going to have to make on your own, but here it is:

Jimmy Olsen, in the form of a giant-sized turtle, wrestles a giant-sized Darkseid, until a miniature-sized Ray Palmer destroys the soul catcher that was inside Jimmy (the one that has been housing all the souls/powers of the dead New Gods), after which point a Boom Tube opens up nearby, from which a non-dead Orion (who died in DONG #6), comes out to confront and eventually kill a now non-giant Darkseid. And then Orion also dies.

Let me sit here while that sinks in for a second.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your second to last issue of Countdown to Final Crisis.

What was all of that talk, back in DONG #6, where Scott Free says how he felt Orion’s death through the Source Wall, something he couldn’t sense with the other dead New Gods, since Orion’s soul wasn’t stolen; rather, he died and returned to the Source, leaving only his helmet behind. Darkseid felt it too, reaching out from across the span of space, waxing poetic about how their joined story has finally ended. And then, later, at the end of the next issue, Darkseid is confronted by the now fully-reformed Source, at which point the Source notes that Darkseid has pulled something unexpected for their final clash in the upcoming conclusion to the DONG miniseries.

I mean, really, what was all of that? Somebody answer me, goddamnit. No explanation is given and none can be.

Here’s my prediction/prayer-list for the finale next week: Every last one of these characters is killed off, after which every writer and artist involved on this project resigns and goes off to sell auto-insurance somewhere far away.