Countdown to Final Crisis: Three
There are three things I’ve learned in the past twenty-four hours. First, you can get across the border from Panama to Costa Rica with no outbound ticket documentation by giving the border guard a five dollar bill. Second, when a boat driver tells you he’s going to pick you up at a certain time, that’s not taking into account his forty-five minute-long coffee break. Third, not even several weeks in a sunny paradise can make me any more amiable toward Countdown to Final Crisis, the single worst comic book I’ve ever read from start to (almost) finish.
I’m still in Central America, so, off the bat, my apologies for the delayed recap. But, really, what have I missed since we last got caught up? The Great Disaster has come and gone, the Challengers returned to our Earth, and Mary Marvel got a whole lot sexier. Thankfully, Fin Fang Doom picked up the slack last week and I didn’t have to write three weeks worth of recaps; I think just this one will be plenty for now.
So, last Wednesday, Countdown. Three weeks, three issues left. What happened? I’ll give you three guesses, and the first two don’t count.
Nothing happened. Nothing ever happens. Oh, and, does everybody fully understand that The Great Disaster had ABSOLUTELY NO IMPACT ON ANYTHING?
This issue, Darkseid confronts Jimmy Olsen, demanding that the powers he’s been storing in Jimmy be returned. By the way, logical question: How did he store the powers of the dead New Gods in Jimmy’s body? Magic? Cosmic chess? Any explanation?
Anyway, Mary Marvel is helping Darkseid, but Superman shows up to fight the big dorky bad guy for a little bit, so Mary runs interference by fighting the Challengers during the other brawl. Darkseid shoots an Omega Beam at Jimmy, though, during the fight, and frees some of those powers, namely, some Kryptonite based one, which cripples and nearly kills Superman.
BUT, Ray Palmer has shrunk himself down to peanut size and is hiding out in Jimmy’s body. He starts breaking stuff, and it frees Jimmy so that he’s no longer pure Kryptonite and no longer under Darkseid’s crippling control. The last splash page shows Jimmy, Super-Sized, looking like a cross between Granny Goodness and a T-Rex. His words are strikingly Superboy-Prime-esque, when he yells at Darkseid to, “Come and get me!”
There are only two issues left to this series. Thank God. Here’s my question: Have we really seen the last of Monarch and Superman-Prime? Will we get anything more with the Monitors? Is the Multiverse gonna be any different by the end of this series (other than gutted of thousands of characters and billions of regular humans)? Why are most of the characters from this series even included in it? How much money did I waste on this?
I’ll be back in the United States on Saturday, so expect tomorrow’s review then, but I’ll be back on schedule in time for the thrilling conclusion next week. I’m so excited! I’m so excited! I’m so… scared…
So am I to believe that there was a New God whose power was that they were made up of Kryptonite? I mean, that’s the implication, right? That was awfully polite of The Source to kill all those New Gods and then let Darkseid decide where to put their powers, by the way.
Oh, I forgot to mention a giant glaring oversight, when Superman refers to the fact that Darkseid has been orchestrating all the deaths of the New Gods, which goes in DIRECT CONTRAST TO THE ENTIRE DEATH OF THE NEW GODS MINI SERIES.
I am *so* glad I didn’t spend a dime on “Countdown to Infinite Crapfest,” and as bad as the whole story seems to have been, my #1 beef is with the disrespect shown Mary Marvel.
Along similar lines, I am very glad I didn’t buy a single issue of “Trials of Shit-zam!” either.
Blech.
By the way, you’re misrepresenting the Jimmy-Darkseid thing; Jimmy just came out and is expressing his willingness – nay, desire – to mate with Darkseid.
I’m must sayin’ is all.
Del, I don’t know if you heard the news down there, but DC recently announced a Geoff Johns/George Perez Final Crisis tie-in that will pit Superman and the Legion of Super-Heroes against Supermaqn-Prime and the Legion of Super-Villains. He may be done in Countdown, but he’s not done in the DCU.
No, I didn’t hear that, though I’m kind of glad, since I’ve liked the Action Comics story about the Legion so much. The big question is, will Superman-Prime be wearing his Mullet Superman costume? I sure hope so.
Oh, and, Jeff, knowing that your’e a fan of the Marvel Family makes me wonder how you can even put up with paying attention to any of this stuff; they’ve basically pissed all over any legacy they had going for themselves. I mean, Mary went from good to conflicted to straight-up bad in the last two issues with nary an explanation.
Well, Doom, I drink a lot.
Also, I print-off copies of “Supergirl” that I get from bit-torrent and I wipe with them.
It’s not pretty, but it gets me through the day.
Near as I can tell, you’re one of the few bloggers to get this far into Countdown. Thanks for taking the hit for the rest of us, and I know I’ve enjoyed your writeups more than I would the actual series.
It was $6, not $5. You’re selling the immigration guy short.