Countdown to Final Crisis: Three

countdown 3There are three things I’ve learned in the past twenty-four hours. First, you can get across the border from Panama to Costa Rica with no outbound ticket documentation by giving the border guard a five dollar bill. Second, when a boat driver tells you he’s going to pick you up at a certain time, that’s not taking into account his forty-five minute-long coffee break. Third, not even several weeks in a sunny paradise can make me any more amiable toward Countdown to Final Crisis, the single worst comic book I’ve ever read from start to (almost) finish.

I’m still in Central America, so, off the bat, my apologies for the delayed recap. But, really, what have I missed since we last got caught up? The Great Disaster has come and gone, the Challengers returned to our Earth, and Mary Marvel got a whole lot sexier. Thankfully, Fin Fang Doom picked up the slack last week and I didn’t have to write three weeks worth of recaps; I think just this one will be plenty for now.

So, last Wednesday, Countdown. Three weeks, three issues left. What happened? I’ll give you three guesses, and the first two don’t count.

Nothing happened. Nothing ever happens. Oh, and, does everybody fully understand that The Great Disaster had ABSOLUTELY NO IMPACT ON ANYTHING?

This issue, Darkseid confronts Jimmy Olsen, demanding that the powers he’s been storing in Jimmy be returned. By the way, logical question: How did he store the powers of the dead New Gods in Jimmy’s body? Magic? Cosmic chess? Any explanation?

Anyway, Mary Marvel is helping Darkseid, but Superman shows up to fight the big dorky bad guy for a little bit, so Mary runs interference by fighting the Challengers during the other brawl. Darkseid shoots an Omega Beam at Jimmy, though, during the fight, and frees some of those powers, namely, some Kryptonite based one, which cripples and nearly kills Superman.

BUT, Ray Palmer has shrunk himself down to peanut size and is hiding out in Jimmy’s body. He starts breaking stuff, and it frees Jimmy so that he’s no longer pure Kryptonite and no longer under Darkseid’s crippling control. The last splash page shows Jimmy, Super-Sized, looking like a cross between Granny Goodness and a T-Rex. His words are strikingly Superboy-Prime-esque, when he yells at Darkseid to, “Come and get me!”

There are only two issues left to this series. Thank God. Here’s my question: Have we really seen the last of Monarch and Superman-Prime? Will we get anything more with the Monitors? Is the Multiverse gonna be any different by the end of this series (other than gutted of thousands of characters and billions of regular humans)? Why are most of the characters from this series even included in it? How much money did I waste on this?

I’ll be back in the United States on Saturday, so expect tomorrow’s review then, but I’ll be back on schedule in time for the thrilling conclusion next week. I’m so excited! I’m so excited! I’m so… scared…