Countdown: Thirty-Nine

Earlier today, I was sitting around thinking of something that I could compare Countdown to, so that even the lay-person who reads these reviews would understand how crappy it is, and I came up with a really creative, totally original idea, all on my own! Have you ever seen the show Big Brother After Dark? It’s on Showtime each night for about three hours, and it follows the lives of the people who live in the Big Brother house. There’s no editing, no storyline, nothing of interest. It’s just a voyeuristic look into these people’s lives with nothing of consequence happening. It’s basically like reading Countdown. There will eventually be a story, I hear, where all the main supervillains are sent to their own private world so that we no longer have to deal with them here on earth. It’s supposed to come out in November, and it will be a lead-in to Final Crisis. Eventually, the storyline with Piper and Trickster will probably wind up leading directly into that series, and that’s where the actual story will take place. Right now, we’re just getting them After Dark. Watching them drink wine and talk about how the Penguin is giving them a place to stay, without anything ever really happening. It’s the same across the board with each character. You could ask me what happened in this issue, and I could tell you the specifics, but, if you really want to know, the real, truthful answer is, “Nothing.” Still, though, let’s break it down “story” by “story,” so that I can tell you the nitty gritty of what “happened.”

First off, apparently something is wrong with Karate Kid. And, apparently Oracle is the only one who can help him. It would’ve been nice if we found out that something was wrong and saw the moment where he decided to track down Oracle, but, really, who needs those plot devices when you can just nonsensically bring us from point A to point D without showing B or C? Worked for the Monitor and his shrunk down posse. Anyway, Karate Kid eventually gets in there to see Oracle, and she says something wholly unimportant.

Elsewhere, Piper and Trickster are sitting around. The Suicide Squad shows up, again, so they leave, and they run into The Question and The Batwoman, the Lawful Lesbos. That’s all.

Over in the Palmerverse, the Monitor and his group are somewhere weird, and they think they’re being watched. Neato!

In Metropolis, meanwhile, Jimmy Olsen beats up a purse-snatcher and shows his powers. Again. Just like last week and every other week before.

At the Athenean Women’s Shelter, Holly Robinson gets a private meeting with Athena, who tells Holly that she’s Athena, and she runs a women’s shelter. Well, duh.

That’s all that happens. Can you believe that shit? People are seriously putting down money for this? The art’s not even pretty. It’s shitty, and it lacks any sort of consistency week to week. I guess I really don’t have much else to say. I mean, there’s nothing here to respond to. How bad can this series get?

Seriously, how bad? Anybody wanna place big money bets?