Return my $2.99!

Hi there! Do you enjoy wasting money? Do you oftentimes find yourself sitting around your apartment or home, lighting dollar bills on fire just for kicks? If that’s the case, why, you had better hurry your butt on over to your local comic book shop and pick up this week’s newest “Marvel Comics Event,” titled, “Civil War: The Return.” Enjoy!

Now that we’ve got the insanes out of our hair, let’s talk about something important. I’m going to spoil this lousy issue, so, if you’re truly afraid of that, join the other bozos and get out of here. Guess who returns in “The Return?” Look at the cover. Okay, now you know. It’s Mar-Vell, aka Captain Marvel, aka that doofus who wears gold bracelets and died about twenty years ago. Remember, it was a big event? They buried him on some asteroid or something. The Kree dug up his body back in “Operation: Galactic Storm” in order to steal his Nega-Bands. Any bells ringing? It doesn’t matter if they’re not, because he’s not very interesting.

There are actually two separate stories in this issue, but the main one, y’know, the one about the actual return that’s so prominently and solemnly advertised on the cover, only lasts for thirteen pages. Would you like to know EXACTLY what happens during those thirteen pages? Captain Marvel returns. The end! With a cover price of $2.99, with thirteen total pages of boringness, that averages out to twenty-three cents per page. Surely, you can think of something that you can spend that money on other than this.

I, for one, feel insulted. This is the first Civil War tie-in that I’ve purchased, as I always figured I’d just pick up the main series and be happy enough with that, but, seriously, folks, this was totally the wrong tie-in to pick up. It sounds important enough, I know, and you’re probably going to be very tempted to take it off the shelf and add it to your stack, just because that bleak cover makes it seem like it’s such a monumental issue (not to mention the fact that it says it’s a “Marvel Comics Event” right there in bold on the cover), but, please, don’t do it. I can understand the surprise for some of you that Mar-Vell is returning, but, heck, some guy in the comic shop this morning popped it open, flipped a couple pages, and said, “Oh, it’s Captain Marvel.” So not only was I bored, but I wasn’t in the least bit surprised! Oh, plus his logo is right on the cover. So, you know.

Just don’t buy this. It’s stupid. Say it with me. I know you’re better than this.