Eternals: Make it Stop

Although it may seem oxymoronic to have a mini-series entitled “Eternals,” Marvel has attempted to live up to the name by telling a six-part story in seven issues.

I know it’s been about three months since the last issue came out, but, if you think back hard enough with me, the cover to that issue was labeled “5 of 6.” The cover for this week’s latest issue reads, “6 of 7.” Seems like they’re trying to pull one over on us dimwitted drunks, no?

Well, to that, I say, “No.”

I haven’t had a drink in about a day, and my mind’s sharper than twin dual lasers of insight and knowledge.

I figured that, surely, it was a misprint, at the least, or they just decided to add an extra issue as a sort of denouement, tacked-on at the last minute in order to tie up any and all loose ends that may be left by the final issue. Then, I read the issue, and, well, if number seven is a denouement, then it’s also a bit more rising action and a climax thrown in there prior to it, because, frankly, nothing of note happens in this issue other than what we were told was going to happen last issue: The Dreaming Celestial wakes up.

But let’s give Marvel the fair shake and let them explain it to us, via their online Internet world wide webs:

The double-sized finale of NEIL GAIMAN and JOHN ROMITA JR.’s epic! The Eternals face their mystery enemy at last. This issue will solidify the Eternals’ place in the Marvel Universe. Will they register? Guest-starring the Avengers!

We still don’t know if they’ll register, so that one question that this issue was supposed to answer remains unanswered, though I’m guessing they won’t.

At least they gave us a guest-star in the Avengers, right? Well, no, not really. It’s Iron Man, Pym, and Wasp that show up, and they’re pretty much useless (although the Dreaming Celestial has a school-girl crush on Iron Man!). So, I guess that it’s safe to say that Marvel Comics is full of a bunch of bullshit.

Normally, I wouldn’t care about something like this. Neil Gaiman is a competent writer, from everything I know about the guy, so I was going on good faith that the story would be compelling.

It hasn’t been.

I’ve spent $3.99 an issue, and, so far, I’ve been bored out of my mind by this nonsensical nonsense. The plot is dense, yes, I know, and it probably makes perfect sense to anybody who sits down to read it in one sitting, but, when you space out six issues over the course of, what, eight months, the mind tends to forget exactly what’s going on from one issue to the next.

When you add into that the fact that most of the characters are drawn exactly the same, it tends to get confusing. Add to that the fact that I’ve been drunk nearly every time I’ve read any of these issues, and you’ll see where I’m coming from.

Let’s do the math, though. Four bucks a pop, for six issues, comes out to twenty-four bucks. Add a seventh essential issue, and you’re looking at twenty-eight bucks for a boring mini-series. SURELY, the trade won’t cost as much, and, being able to read it in one sitting, it may be a bit more tolerable.

I suppose that my final assessment is this: “Eternals” is boring and stupid, and I hate being lied to.

I must note that I hate to come down so hard on Marvel twice in the same afternoon, but, hey, you don’t see DC changing the title of “52” to “64” anytime soon, do you?

Heck, twenty-eight bucks would buy three twelve-packs of PBR, two packs of Camel Lights, and I’d still have a buck and change for a bag of Doritos to snack on! Nuts.