Less Than Meets the Eye
“Transformers” is going to suck. Hard. We all know it, but we’re holding out some optimism that there will at least be a few bits in it that are somewhat salvageable. Here’s a news flash: There won’t be. Michael Bay is notorious for making loud, big budget, large-scale action flicks, so I guess he’s a natural choice for directing this forthcoming crap fest. I assume you’ve all seen the trailers or taken a gander at the various images that have leaked over the past few months, so I’m going to pretend we all know what the score is. Now, let’s talk about why it’s going to so completely suck.
First, Michael Bay is a terrible director. His focus is always on the wrong elements of a “film,” if you can call the crap he produces that. Remember how, in “Armageddon,” there was this giant threat coming from outerspace, but, when we finally got to see it, it looked like a bad version of the Agro-Crag from GUTS? Remember how the majority of the movie focused on the humans who were going to save the day? Remember how wholly uninteresting that was? Well, I have a feeling we’re going to get the same thing from “Transformers” that we got there. If the Transformers aren’t on screen and talking within the first twenty minutes, I’m going to consider getting up and walking out of the theater. I don’t need to see a ten minute scene of two kids playing grab-ass in the grass to know that the Decepticons threaten our way of life.
Second, the Autobots and Decepticons look terrible. There’s no way around it. As Jim Doom told me, “I thought one of the coolest things about their robot modes was when you could see how parts of the vehicle composed their bodies.” Good point. Imagine being a child, playing with your brand-new Ironhide toy. Imagine trying to figure out how to transform the damn thing from a vehicle into a robot, when all you have is a big mess of sharply-angled metal and weird looking joints. Even if you do get it to transform, it’s still going to look like a big wad of crap. I mean, seriously, take a look at what they’ve done to Megatron.
It’s enough to make my eyes bleed just trying to figure out what goes where. And, call me crazy, but, since when did Optimus Prime look like this? Picture how angry the fans of Batman would’ve been if his costume in the movies didn’t have a cape or horns or even the Batman logo on the chest? They got all bent out of shape when Schumacher gave him nipples, for crying out loud! Why are we standing idly by as this iconic character of Optimus Prime is made to look like a complete and utter ponce? Who’s going to believe he’s tough, when he looks like a messy goof?
Third, the online fan poll for putting a line into the movie, as spoken by Optimus Prime, was rigged. There’s not a single fan of Transformers I know that would vote for, “Freedom is a right of all sentient beings.” That’s stupid. And, even when voiced by Peter Cullen, it sounds silly. I hope that by the time they finally hit the editing room with the voiceovers, they add that layer of robotic twang to the voices, because, when it’s just some guy saying that line, it sounds like, well, some guy, not a Transformer.
I’m done, for now. I’m sure you guys all have a thing or two you want to complain about in regards to what will no doubt be a huge disappointment. Let’s hear it.
I totally agree about that Optimus line. Where did that even come from? The only theory I have is that fan voting was so split over the truly awesome Optimus lines so that a loser line was able to sneak through.
I personally think Armageddon was the best film of 1998. It had everything you wanted on July 4th. Explosions, riveting drama, non-stop thrills, and poetic slow motion displays of Old Glory. Speaking of life and liberty, everyone that has a soul cried at the end of that movie. Bruce Willis is the fucking man, and everyone fucking knows it. OK, I’ll admit Michael Bay’s career has been a little off lately. I think The Island and Bad Boys 2 had a few faults, and we all know Pearl Harbor is complete garbage. However, Bad Boys, Armageddon, and The Rock are fantastic movies. The Criterion Collection is a rare DVD society that believes in preserving Cinematic Gems for eternity. Only the best of movies make it into a Criterion DVD release. There are only 300 or so films on the list. Most Kurosawa films are on the list, as well as many other great foreign films that span 70 decades. Only a handful of American films made the cut, ever. The Rock and Armageddon are BOTH on the list because everyone knows they are two of the best action films ever made in the history of movies. You can’t fucking argue with The Criterion Collection. All Criterion DVD’s are roughly $35 in price and are fully loaded with bonus features. Dazed and Confused & Fear and Loathing are two of the newest additions in the last few years. Putting those films up against The Rock seems pretty right to me. So why must you hate something that has definite potential. I’m pretty sure Steven Spielberg has a lot to do and say with this production, seeing as how he is Executive Producer. So, you think we will see weird unfamiliar Robots based on a kid’s book that popped up on Amazon. Fine, but I imagine that these alien robots will pick items to blend(transfom)into later. So when we first meet Megatron he’ll look like a robot lizard. I trust Spielberg will surprise the world and give everyone what they expect to see, which is a giant fucking gun. I have faith in this movie. In a summer full of unoriginal sequels, I’ll be lining up to see Transformers the second the clock hits midnight next July. I bet everyone else who actually watched this show in the early 80’s will too. Keep the faith here man, your glass seems half empty. Autobots, TRANSFORM!!!
I thought the trailer looked pretty decent, I’ll admit. But I’m far from a Transformers purist. And, yeah, The Rock was cool.