Blade bites

Call me what you will, but the original Blade film is one of the coolest comic book movies yet made. No, it’s nowhere near the rarefied air of the Spider-Man flicks, Batman Begins, Superman Returns and the first couple X-Men. But it’s certainly tops over Daredevil, Punisher, Elektra or Fantastic Four.

It’s fun, dumb yet witty, sleek, dark and full of above average fight sequences. The whole thing works with Wesley Snipes set in the role of his life: all he has to do is glower, deliver a few Sam Jackson lines and flex. While the second film was pretty so-so (the worst effort I’ve seen from Guillermo Del Toro) and I haven’t seen the third one, I’ll always fondly think of the first, popping it in for 90 minutes of entertainment from time to time.

Given my movie Blade fan-dom, I decided to pick up the second issue of Marvel’s relaunch. I should preface this by saying I never read the previous comics incarnations. I don’t think they ever stocked it at my hometown grocery store, which was the only outlet I had most the time.

If you’re like me and considering picking up this series, stop yourself right now, return those three bucks to your pocket and calmly walk away. Blade the comic book sucks. Or bites. Use your bad pun of choice.

For some reason, I thought “comics legend” Howard Chaykin might bring something special to the art. And I’d never read anything by Marc Guggenheim, but he’s named after either a museum or a latin american singer, so I figured he’d be decent. I was wrong.

The dialogue in this Blade (in which he traveled through time to save Doctor Doom’s mom, at the request of Doctor Doom, who somehow knew how to handle this anachronism) is groan-worthy. Blade’s every response is a grade school comeback. When Doom said he was sending the Daywalker back in time, I half expected Blade to say, “I’m going to send you back in time.”

Chaykin’s art could have saved this, just like Snipes saved the movie. Instead, he draws Blade in full 1990s era uniform: tighty-tights, high-rise flat top, Lennon-ish sunglasses, endless guns and swords…

I don’t care what Blade’s special powers are. This book should’ve never seen the light of day.