Worst to First: February 4th, 2009

I’ve been trying to come up with a clever gimmick to use to review my weekly comics for awhile now, and since the untimely passing of Jean-Claude Van Doom some time ago, I figured it would be worth a shot to steal his old gimmick.

Thus, I bring to you the first ever Doom DeLuise version of “Worst to First,” for this week’s comics, though it’s an admittedly light week for me in terms of how many issues I picked up. Just for fun, I might throw in some that I bought last week that I didn’t get around to reading until yesterday. Here we go!

Worst: Justice Society of America #23

Speaking of issues from last week (whoa, this is turning into multiple counts of gimmick infringement), this is the beginning of a new story-arc, featuring the return of Black Adam and Isis, plus a bunch of crap with tension in the ranks of the JSA over how the team handled the Gog incident.

First of all, it’s implied that Felix Faust has been keeping Isis under a mental spell to keep her sedated while he’s repeatedly been violating her, sexually. I hate it when they put rape in my comics, man. It’s just something that shouldn’t be addressed in books about flying men with super powers. It seems trivialized, and it’s not right. Anyway, Isis tears off Felix’s Willy Wonka when she finally gets rescued, so I guess they’re even.

The main thing that I hate about this stupid issue is the return of Black Mary at the end. Looks like she’s going to be joining Black Adam and Isis in whatever they’re up to (though, it doesn’t seem they’re up to much since they already ousted Marvel from the Rock of Eternity – – what’s left to do?). This, by the way, is the Black Mary from Countdown, not the Fruit Loops Mary from Final Crisis. I swear, one of these days, somebody, somewhere is going to fix the Marvel Family. They have been put through the frickin’ wringer the past few years.

No Review For You: The Mighty #1

Yes, that was a Seinfeld joke. No, you didn’t just step through a time portal that took you back to the late 90s. I simply figured that if I was gonna steal JCVD’s gimmick, I should also make really bad Seinfeld references. I swear, I’ll work Keith Hernandez in here somehow. Oh, but this is our Book of Doom this week, so come back on Saturday for my thoughts (as well as the thoughts of the rest of the crew). The placement on this list has nothing to do with the quality of the book, by the way. Just thought I’d throw that out there.

The Best Things in Life are Not Always Free: Witchblade #124

My local comic shop owner gave me this issue for free this week, presumably because he didn’t want to throw it away himself.

I don’t normally read this series, but it didn’t take much to pick it up and figure out what was going on. There are two Witchblades, and they’re both extremely attractive girls, and things are leading up to the two of them going to war against each other. And there’s some weird long-haired guy with sharp teeth who appears ominously at the end.

This is a perfect example of a decent enough comic that I didn’t like because it’s simply not my “cup of pee,” as it were. Frankly, it bored me, and I thought their little hissy fit seemed pretty mundane and tired. Oh, and, for the record, when you insert a line of dialogue making fun of the dialogue in a scene, that doesn’t excuse the bad dialogue in said scene.

If this were “Deal or No Deal,” I’d be Hitting that Red Button Right Now: Adventure Comics #0

In the opening, you get a classic tale of the Legion, of when they first recruited Superboy. It’s campy and stupid and silly, but it’s also harmless and kind of fun.

The back-up, though, is an all new Origins and Omens feature, showing that Lex Luthor and Brainiac are working together, and foreshadowing (okay, maybe just stating) that Superboy Conner Kent is going to be returning as a Black Lantern.

Needless to say, this issue that only cost a dollar is going to get me to pick up Adventure Comics #1 when it comes out in June. June? Seriously? Holy crap, that’s a long wait.

Way Better than Expected: Secret Warriors #1

First of all, let me just make a comment about Marvel’s website. It stinks! Not only is it difficult to find the listings for the comics that came out this week, but once you get to that list, they have many of the same issues listed twice to show off their dumbass variant covers that nobody ever buys willingly, and then when you find what you’re looking for and try to steal the image of their cover, it pops up some stupid warning about how you’re not allowed to access that content. But guess what? You can still access it and save it. Their web design is shit, and the people they have working on it clearly don’t know anything. And, here I am, about to praise this book I bought this week, but they’re trying to keep the image of it secret, even though I have every intention of telling you about how great it is and how you should all go buy it immediately. Promotion through word of mouth? Why would you want that? Heavens, it might increase your sales! That would be terrible!

Ok, sorry for the mini rant. Nick Fury’s a badass, Hydra controls the world, and that’s all there is to it. I really liked this issue, but Marvel’s website has made me want to hush up about it.

First: Final Crisis: Legion of 3 Worlds #3 (of 5)

I still haven’t figured out how this has anything to do with Final Crisis, whatsoever. Not that that’s a bad thing, mind you. Final Crisis was terrible (shut up, I don’t want to hear it – – it was terrible, through and through).

There is just so much stuff going on in this miniseries, though, that I can’t help but love it. There’s a giant battle going on in Metropolis, Mon-El and Shadow Lass have convinced Ion (Sodam Yat) to join them in bringing down Superboy-Prime, and Brainiac-5 has finally unveiled what was in his lightning rod that he’s been carrying around since The Lightning Saga – – Kid Flash. Plus, Dawnstar, Polar Boy, and Wildfire head to Smallville of the 20th Century to steal a strand of hair from Lex Luthor. For what? Who knows? Oh, and another thing, Sun Boy continues to drink himself silly and avoid the fight until, presumably, he snaps out of it and returns to help his friends.

See? There are just so many threads crossing through this thing that it’s one of the densest reads going right now, and the art from George Perez continues to be freakin’ amazing. He seriously fits, like, fifty thousand little details into each panel. I could read this issue five times and not pick up on everything going on. Highly recommended. Best issue of the week.

Oh, and, uh, I’m Keith Hernandez? Ok, I’ll work on that for next time.