I Have Issues with Issues I Don’t Have

Hello, friends. We’re adding a new member to the ol’ Legion, and, since we haven’t outfitted him with an account yet (or he’s just too stupid to figure it out), I’m going to introduce him to you. He goes by the handle of Doomanchu, and he’s a dear friend of mine. By that, I mean that I’ll most likely one day stand over his grave until I’m sure that he’s dead. Enough introducing. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Doomanchu:

It’s that time of the week that has never happened before, again. That’s right, it’s time for the scoop from the poor house. Here is a review of all of the comics I was too poor to pick up. I know what you are saying: “Doomanchu, how can you give accurate critical reviews of these comics if you have never read them?” (Done in a girly falsetto.) I’ll tell you how! Blatant disregard for the truth and its derivatives. (@#$%^&’ derivatives…)

nova 17Nova #17

You know, I have never seen Nova in finer form. I mean, this comic really displayed the writer’s ability to form complex sentences and use spell check. This fused with that menacing posturing that the penciler was able to dream up (I mean, slightly squatting with fists clenched? What an innovator!) along with, and I know I am going out on a limb here, but excellent use of power beams on the inside of the comic made for maybe one of the best comics that I didn’t read this week.

Immortal Iron Fist Orson Randall Death Queen

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh… Quit trying to make Iron Fist look like a badass, Marvel. Why can’t you just accept him for what he is? He wears slippers, a sash and a skin-tight leotard. (Fist also has a big, black partner who never leaves his side.) And what the hell is with the guns? I thought he was a martial arts expert who was like Bruce Lee; only, everyone that meets him doesn’t hate him. Oh, wait, is this just a variant cover for the Boondock Saints that I wasn’t aware of? Anyway, I would say that this issue is probably the worst this week. But that’s pure conjecture…

Skaar Son Of Hulk Presents Savage World #1

This is the best spin-off of the season. This is the Hulk’s love-child from an extra-planetary romance that he had whilst on vacation from being angry all the time. This was a really interesting allegory for the problems that we all face in our everyday lives. I mean, who of us can’t understand what it’s like to get goo on your favorite baseball bat and then destroy a planet? I give this six illiterate comic book reviewer thumbs up!

Superman #680

Mr. Mxyzptlk gets pissed and realizes in a fit of boredom that everyone would find Superman a lot more interesting if he would have to deal with the really hard-hitting issues like leash-laws and how to avoid getting neutered. He was wrong and this comic has a silly cover.