Countdown to Final Crisis: Seven

countdown 7If the competition for the year’s worst cover were held today, friends, you’ve got your winner right there. An expressionless Kyle Rayner throws up the weakest Green Lantern force field ever made, as Superman cracks down on it with an angry left hand (though he looks more constipated than angry), Wonder Woman shatters it with her lasso (much to the surprise of a Donna Troy with some serious blower’s cramps), and Batman does his own damage with … purple pills?

Add to that the fact that what you see there on that cover doesn’t even come close to happening within the actual issue, and I’d say even Michael Turner should be safe this year. Plus, if you’re going to put big bold words on the cover that read, “Challenging the Justice League!” and then not include anything even remotely resembling a challenge to anybody in the issue, well, fuck, I don’t know what to say to you.

Enough about the cover, though. What actually happens on the inside? Well, all our main characters are back on Earth (but which one?). Holly and Harley head back to Gotham, Jason leaves the group, and everybody else heads to the Hall of Justice. Once they get there, the Justice League says, “We don’t know you! Who are you people?” Superman then starts flying toward them, and Firestorm teleports them all away.

Once away, Holly and Harley magically show up, along with Jimmy Olsen, and they all say the same thing. Nobody here knows them. What could possibly be the explanation? If only they’d been spending the past year traveling through the Multiverse, maybe they would realize there are lots of Earths out there with slightly subtle differences and then possibly they could think of some sort of a clue!

The bulk of this issue, however, is spent with the heroes arguing, again. Una wants to save Karate Kid, but Ray says it’s going to be nearly impossible. They eventually go to Cadmus, and they argue some more, until some guy with little horns (named Dubbilex) shows up and says, that, though he’d like to help, Karate Kid is already dead.

It’s funny how the big cliffhanger last week was Ray Palmer saying that they now had to decide whether or not to kill Karate Kid, but then they don’t really decide anything this week; they just keep arguing the same bullshit. And, then, whoops, too late; Karate Kid’s dead. Take that, Ralph Macchio!

I’ve seriously been waiting for the past forty-four weeks to make a bad Ralph Macchio joke.

Man, this thing just keeps amping up more and more! I’m so excited to see what happens next that I can barely even oh wait no I’m not.