Ultimates 3 #1

ultimates 3I don’t think we’ve discussed Ultimates 3 yet. Why not? Well, probably because it lives up to the Bizarro hype. It’s a cornucopia of flash, angst and poorly written dialogue from a writer who should know better (Jeph Loeb), and an artist (Joe Madureira) whose relevance will only last as long as he can keep up with the schedule – meaning we should see roughly two issues of this book in 2008.

We’re reintroduced to the Ultimates with a wonderful opening scene of the team watching a pirated DVD of Tony Stark sticking it to Black Widow … and I’m not talking about the death scene from Ultimates 3. This sextravaganza is introduced as a “security breach” for the team, moments before Venom pops in demanding a HER of some type. A bunch of dialogue follows which explains the fight step-by-step, all in a vain effort to introduce the team.

The next thing we know, all is well, except Hawkeye is talking like a sociopath, Captain America is acting like Wolverine, Hank Pym is passing out like he was Doom DeLuise and the Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver are looking good and ready to make a baby. But fuckles! (spooooooooooooiler alert) ********While the two are ice skating, somebody shoots the Scarlet Witch and she dies. We’re led to believe it’s Hawkeye.********** (end spoiler)

We’re introduced to an Ultimates that feels the need to explain step-by-step what’s going on, something previous volumes did with visuals. While the situations are meant to bring in gritty realism, they come off instead as cheap ploys. This is the Ultimates catching up to Gen X, harkening back to an era where Image reigned – and the use of Venom as the first villain only drives in the amateurish feel of the book. Also, the ridiculous boobportions Madureira is famous for are popping up nearly everywhere – I even had to double check to see if I spied a nip slip. I have a bad enough taste in my mouth to not want to pick up the book again, which is sad, because outside of Optic Nerve and Astonishing X-Men, I haven’t picked up much.