Countdown to Final Crisis: Twenty

I see London; I see France; I see a shitty comic book with Mary Marvel’s ass hanging out on the cover.

Sigh.

Total page numbers for each storyline in this week’s issue of Countdown:
Brother Eye: Four.
Karate Kid and Una: Three.
The Challengers: One.
Jimmy Olsen: Three.
Monarch: Two.
Pied Piper in “Weekend at Bernie’s 3:” Three.
Mary Marvel: Four.
Total splash pages: Four.

Ok, then. See how they can’t tell any stories? They’ve seriously set up an entire series that can’t tell a single story, by the nature of its design. “52” found its way around that by taking each of the individual stories and giving them entire issues devoted to just one story at a time. For example, one year ago, when “52” was in Week Thirty-Two, Ralph Dibny’s story was given fifteen pages, Osiris’ got four, and the Space Adventurers were left with two. Oh well, Countdown sucks balls, so let’s just get this shit over with.

What happened this week in Countdown, you might be asking. Not a whole lot. Brother Eye moved to Bludhaven, and nobody notices. What’s he do when he gets to Bludhaven, you might be asking. I don’t know, because the art doesn’t really show, since it’s so crowded with OMACs. What’s an OMAC, you might be as…oh, shut up.

Elsewhere, Karate Kid and Una are acting like John Locke and Boone Carlyle, doing their damndest to get into the Hatch under Bludhaven, to no success. Then they are caught in an earthquake because of Brother Eye doing fuck knows what.

Back in the Bleed, Bob the Monitor reiterates that he knows where Ray Palmer is. No, seriously, guys, you’ve gotta believe me. I know where he is! We, like have to go there. I swear to God I know it this time! I promise it won’t end with us being confused by a new earth, fighting some weird villains, and then running away. This is the real deal!

Over on Apokolips, Jimmy Olsen has developed some weird green armor, and he finds Forager, who chokes the little bitch and yells that, “Jimmy Olsen must die!” Ho hum.

In the Quantum Universe, where Monarch’s hanging out in his Arena, we replay the last scene of Countdown Arena from last week, and Monarch notices something, but we don’t.

Back on Earth, Piper hangs out with Trickster’s dead body.

Over in Deep Space Nine, however, Mary Marvel fights Eclipso and makes a Lord of the Rings joke. Eclipso wins the fight and leaves Mary all alone.

Man, what trash. Did you guys pick up the conclusion to the Sinestro Corps War this week? That was some seriously rad stuff. Too bad Countdown went out of its way over the past few weeks to eliminate any dramatic tension that crossover had. Still, it’s great stuff, unlike this, and you should all go buy it if you haven’t already. I’m out.