Countdown: Thirty-Five

If you’re anything like I was last week, you were unable to recognize obscure forearms. You needn’t worry, though, because, this week, we see the exact big-bad guy that was threatening the Palmerverse perusers last week, and, lo-and-behold, it wasn’t a guy, afterall. It was some big-bad woman, yet she doesn’t seem threatening in the least. Anyway, I’ve developed a new system for Countdown. I’m going to start dividing the issue number by three, drinking that number of beers, and then reviewing it, seeing if it will make it more tolerable. This week, seeings as how we’re at 35, that means that I’ve just ingested about 11.66 beers, and I’m more than ready to talk about this nonsense. Ok, now where did I put that blasted comic?

We begin things with Donna Troy and Jason Todd (moron-extraordinaire) being held by “Queen Belthera,” whoever the hell that is. She proceeds to turn Ryan Choi into an actual bug, since, y’know, they’re both small and stuff. Oh, the ironing is delicious. The art, however, is not. At the end of this issue, we meet back up with these misfits, and the Monitor Who Made This All Possible turns his coat and decides to blast Donna Troy in the back and side with Queen Nobody-Cares.

Meanwhile, Black Mary is cast out of Shadowcrest for bad manners. We also see that it is Eclipso who’s behind her yearnings for bad magic. I always thought it was just the nature of her taking on Black Adam’s powers. Oh well, I guess I was wrong. Anyway, she’s gone, and she’s, apparently, powerless and alone. Boo-hoo.

Jimmy Olsen, on the other hand, continues to run into a sequence of bad luck, as his meeting with the JLA ended in him not getting accepted. No shit? They wouldn’t let Mr. Action into the Justice League of America? Wow, that’s unexpected. They beat him up bad, though. I really couldn’t care less about any of this anymore. I still don’t know what happened after he figured out Superman’s secret identity.

Elsewhere in Metropolis, Holly Robinson is put into combat with a bunch of other misguided youths in Athena’s Home for the Displaced, or whatever the hell it’s called. Holly beats up everybody but “Funny Face,” but I’ve got a spoiler for you if you haven’t been reading “Amazons Attack.” Athena was behind that entire fiasco, only, it wasn’t Athena, it was somebody posing as Athena. That somebody was Granny Goodness, the most uninteresting of all the New Gods. Oh, me, oh, my. I’ll bet Harley’s “Funny Face,” though.

Meanwhilst, Karate Kid beats up Wolverine meets Mojo meets Doomsday, and he meets some guy who has some answers for him. Fantastic.

This series is worthless. Completely. If Queen Belthera becomes “ruler of all creation,” as she claims she will, I will eat my hat. There is no threat here. It’s just stupid, convoluted nonsense.