Welcome, welcome to the first installment of Stump the Doominator, where I use my vast nerdery to attempt to breakdown storylines into a single sentence. We’ve got some good ones this week, so let’s press on.
Nate Winchester, occasional commenter and operator of Hunting Muses, asked:
Has anyone asked you to sum up Final Crisis yet?
Well, Nate, to answer your question:
Now you probably want a real answer:
So in order to correct the fact that there are Infinite Earths and nothing makes sense because of Darkseid, some people shoot a bullet backwards through time at Darkseid to undo what he did so instead of a bunch of Earths with lots of continuity no one understands, you have a nice way to wrap it up and say “THERE IT’S ALL SOLVED EXCEPT BATMAN IS NOW CAPTAIN CAVEMAN” without having to account for anything.
Grifter wrote in with another question:
Reignfire was sort of Sunspot, but not Sunspot; more like a demon that possessed Sunspot but then ended up separate from him and was a really complicated clone construct made out of primordial stupidity.
Doug Smith asked:
Explain the plot of the second Superman film.
Doug Smith didn’t email his question, though, so I am under no obligation to answer it. Better luck next time, Doug!
Now wouldn’t you know, that asshat Doom DeLuise came up with a set of stumping questions, first posting them as comments, which he knew implicitly not to do but did anyways. When I raised a stink, he emailed me. I’ll hack away at three now, and get to the other two in the next installment out of sheer laziness.
Explain Cable’s story since birth, including all known places in time that he’s spent significant periods.
Cable was born in the past and then got sick with a virus given to him by an evil Egyptian mutant and went to the future, where his half sister from another time raised him along with his dad and step-mom posessing future bodies; with their help, he was trained to go back in time and kill Apocalypse and then he did enough to the point where his future didn’t happen and he stranded his sister, then replaced his thought-dead dad on the X-Men and eventually had some more boring solo adventures before kidnapping a baby who may or may not be the woman who his genetic mother was cloned from and going into the future so he could fight a one-armed black man who also had a really confusing time period thing.
Explain the Clone Saga (in-depth).
I think somebody forgot the difference between “Stump the Doominator” and “Be an Asshole to the Doominator.” He’ll get his in the end when he dies of liver cancer and dried-up food stamp benefits. Regardless:
Peter’s creepy genetics professor made a clone of him that both thought were dead in 1974, but then they weren’t dead and instead there were more clones, enough clones that there had to be a whole fucking saga that made no sense as Spider-Cide, Kaine, Ben Reilly / Scarlet Spider, the really stupid looking one that dressed as the Jackyl and Peter had a bunch of intertwining shit because Kaine killed someone and they thought it was Peter and blah blah blah other confusion happened and it got so convolotued to the point where Peter thought he was the clone and quit being Spider-Man but it ended up he was the real Peter when Norman Osborne came back and killed Ben Reilly, who then turned to pixie dust, proving he was the clone.
Now if Doug Smith emails me his question like a PERSON then maybe he’ll get a real response. If anyone else would like to try their hand at this, email doominator_at_doomkopf.com.
And don’t forget, I also answer X-Men trivia, but not always in one sentence.