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The Apocalypse is Fast Approaching, plus Casting Advice for Brett Ratner

I came across a disturbing bit of comic book movie news this morning on Variety. Thought I’d share it with you so that you could smack yourself in the forehead in the same way I did about ten minutes ago.

Read this sentence carefully:

Reliance Big Entertainment has acquired Rob Liefeld’s iconic graphic novel “Youngblood” for Brett Ratner to direct.

Fool me once…

Says Ratner:

Most of the great graphic novels are gone, and ‘Youngblood’ is one of the few comicbooks left with tentpole potential. It was a real personal passion project for me, and a lot of people wanted (‘Youngblood’), but the amazing thing about the guys at Reliance is the speed with which they’re able to move.

Think about that quote for a minute. Hollywood’s running out of comic book characters to destroy on the big screen, so they’re digging out the bottom of the barrel. Not only that, but the beauty of this production company, in particular, is that they’re not afraid to do a rush job on this admittedly poor project.

I mean, hey, everybody wants a fast buck. Can’t blame ’em there.

What really confuses me, though, is why they’d get Brett Ratner involved. He already had his shot at making an X-Men movie, and he failed. Why give him a second chance with a knock-off X-Men team?

Anyway, there hasn’t been any word yet on potential casting, so I’ve decided to help out and give some suggestions. Follow the jump.

Shaft: Nicolas Cage

He’s the team leader, and, no, he’s not Shatterstar. That’s a different Rob Liefeld creation that’s completely different. I mean, Shatterstar has wavy hair. But, the beautiful part about casting Nicolas Cage is that it doesn’t matter what his hair looks like. Nic will be more than willing to add extensions or shave his head or dye it a different color. It doesn’t matter! He needs a paycheck!

Badrock: CGI Mess

This is an important character, so it’s absolutely essential that his casting is not messed up. You have one of two options for handling this, though. You can either go the route they took with the Fantastic Four movies, making this dude a guy in a big rubber suit, but come on. That looked like a guy in a big rubber suit. It was bad. Your other option is to make him a CGI Mess. I recommend that. It’s cheap(ish), and you can rush it if you have to.

Just make sure you don’t take your time and make something cool like the way they did in Hellboy. You won’t be able to have this turkey out by July 4th if you do that.

Chapel: Samuel L. Jackson

The token black guy in Youngblood, this one is pretty tricky to cast. You could go for somebody relatively unknown, who is properly ripped and capable of carrying those six hundred pounds of equipment, or you could do away with a couple of the extra satchels and guns, and you’ll be able to cast somebody that everybody will recognize.

And, let’s face it, there’s nobody more recognizable than Sam Jackson. He’s been in practically every movie that’s been made in the past ten years. It’s debatable if people will shell out twelve bucks to see a movie named “Youngblood,” but if you have Sam Jackson’s name splashed across the marquee, well, shoot, you’re pretty much guaranteed at least three million dollars, opening weekend.

People love that guy!

It doesn’t matter that Samuel L. Jackson bears no resemblance to this character whatsoever, other than their skin color, either. He’s an actor! You can’t judge him by the content of his character, because he can play so many different ones!

Diehard: Ray Park

He’s great at playing acrobatic guys in masks who never say anything. I mean, he was great as Darth Maul, he blew the house down as Toad in the first X-Men movie, and he looks like the show stealer in the upcoming G.I. Joe adaptation. And he’s so good at martial arts, that he just might be able to redeem this movie, too.

I mean, not that it needs redemption. I’m just saying that he’s good. This movie will be, too, though, so he’ll just make it way better. You know what I mean.

Plus, as a bonus, he’s still considered cool among fanboys, because he’s literally the only decent thing about Episode I, and rather than admitting that that movie was complete and utter trash, they defended their pre-release obsession with it by saying, “Well, at least Darth Maul was cool!” Kind of like how, after Episode III came out, they didn’t want to admit total defeat, since they’d spent so many years and dollars with a blood-thirsty obsession, so they said, “Well, at least it’s the best of the prequels!” Yeah, those idiots say the stupidest things.

Vogue: Halle Berry

This one’s easy, Brett; you’ve already got experience with it. Take a woman on the team who plays a supporting role and has short hair, and then cast Halle Berry, make her the team leader, and make her dominate every scene she’s in.

I mean, she’s got the short hair, the character wears make-up so ethnicity doesn’t matter, and Halle has a great rack, which is really the main prerequisite when casting a female superhero role. All superhero women have great tits, so it’s absolutely imperative that the actresses playing them have great tits, too. Halle Berry? Great tits. Perfect. ‘Nuff said.

Just make sure she doesn’t try any new accents, like she did in the first X-Men movie. Man, that was just awkward. But, yeah, it’s cool if you change her hair color again so that she looks completely unnatural. You nailed it in X3; don’t fuck with the formula.

Link: Dane Cook

I’m not sure if this character is actually funny, but what matters more — staying true to some small demographic of comic nerds’ sense of authenticity, or delivering what we all know the audience wants to see?

Besides, if there’s not at least a little bit of comic relief, you run the risk of falling into the same trap that’s hurt lots of really potentially great comic movies. I mean, look at what happened to all of the attempts at making a Punisher movie. They didn’t have a good comedic actor to lighten the mood, so they tanked.

Dane Cook is just damn funny, and he kind of looks like that guy in the picture, so I say you run with it. Plus, he has a huge presence on MySpace, so that’s another guaranteed two million dollars, opening weekend. Well worth whatever it costs to get him locked down.

Good luck, Brett!