Book of Doom: Final Crisis #2

Let’s see…Cutesy Japanese pop heroes. Time bullets. Monkey doctors. Kamandi.

Yep, Final Crisis still sucks.

Let’s let the rest of the Legion sound of before I add my two cents…

Jim Doom: “I liked this a lot more than last issue. Unlike that awful issue 1, this gave us a mystery that gives the book some direction. I find myself actually wondering who fired the bullet traveling through time.

For the most part, though, it’s simply undeniable how badly this series has been handicapped by the past year of lead-in. That subject has received no shortage of attention here, but careful readings are hardly rewarded when some continuity is crucial and other continuity should be ignored and the only guide is the writer’s internal discretion.

It makes me wonder if I would have liked the series more if this were the first issue. This felt like a first issue to a big event much more than last month’s disaster. The fact that the drama is still being introduced with only 5 issues to go suggests quite a bit of the story will be happening in other books.

If a halfway decent story emerges out of this, it will be in spite of how the company has handled it. Because right now, it feels like we have a DC Universe where things like Batman RIP and Kingdom Come 2 are happening, and then we have the Fina Crisis DCU. It’s a shame and a slight to the Crisis brand that the two could be so separate from each other.”

Doom DeLuise: “When company-wide crossovers happen, they usually try to have some cohesion between the big crossover book and all the books of the characters who are involved in the big crossover. For instance, when Spider-Man revealed his secret identity in Civil War, his main book reflected that change. One issue of ASM ended with him going up to the podium for his big Civil War moment, for example.

So, there’s my first criticism of the dreadfully pretentious, overwrought nonsense that is Final Crisis #2. In Batman’s main book, he’s currently been broken down by the Black Glove, passed out on the floor of the Batcave. In Final Crisis, though, he’s been kidnapped by the armies of Apokolips, who are now on Earth, presumably New Earth. To his credit, I can’t fault Grant Morrison for this mistake. Sure, he’s writing both books, but you can’t say that he’s made a mistake, because in order for that statement to matter, he’d have to give a shit, which he clearly doesn’t.

It’s a busy issue, though. Can’t take time to stop for explanation. It’s gotta fill its pages! Some Japanese superheroes that nobody’s ever heard of fight in a nightclub; the black kid who woke up at the end of the first issue is shown to be the former Monitor that got banished; Detective Turpin beats the holy living hell out of the Mad Hatter; Martian Manhunter is given a one-page funeral; Libra talks some more bullshit; Alpha Lantern Kraken is shown to be under the control of Granny Goodness, who kidnaps Batman (Hal Jordan and John Stewart are rounded up, too); the Daily Planet explodes; and the Flashes investigate Metron’s chair, where they talk about God bullets and higher dimensional guns; oh, and, for those of you who didn’t already know, Barry Allen’s back.

See? It’s like I’ve been saying all along. It’s nothing more than a bunch of freaked-out gobbledygook.

Oh, and it’s such a chore trying to figure out who all these obscure characters are that you kind of stop paying attention to the absolutely phenomenal art the JG Jones is pumping out. My hat is off to him; he deserves a better book.”

Me again: It’s really hard to write a review for this issue. There’s just so much suck, and Grant Morrison is so all over the place in his storytelling that’s it’s hard to tie any of my criticisms into a coherent string of paragraphs. So please excuse my complete lack of transitional phrases from thought to thought.

Let me get this straight–Grant Morrison only thought he needed to spend one page on the Monitor-turned-mortal that seemed to be the focus of the first issue, but he spent eight long (and boring) pages on the Japanese superhero-worship club scene that will never be mentioned in a DC comic ever again? Wait a second, this is Morrison. Of course he did.

Speaking of Mr. Monitor (this guy really needs a name), he must have read Black Adam: The Dark Age, because he’s using the exact same method of finding the magic word as Adam did in that series. What I don’t get is why Mr. Monitor hinks there’s a magic word that will make him a Monitor again. Did I miss something?

Wait, so Detective Turpin is the new Darkseid? Didn’t Turpin meet Darkseid last issue? Or was that just some other guy with glowing red eyes that called himself Darkseid? Ugh.

“Rejoice! The evil factory is open for business.” Ugh.

J’onn J’onzz is the Martian Manhunter. Or was, and once again will be. You know what I mean. So why does Morrison insist on having everyone call him “The Manhunter from Mars?” That probably shouldn’t annoy me as much of it does, but that’s getting on my nerves more than just about anything in this book.

Y’know, the final page of this issue could have been a really cool moment. In any other circumstance, the return of Barry Allen would have been a huge deal. Remember how you felt when Barry showed up during the Superboy-Prime fight in Infinite Crisis to help out Bart? I couldn’t have been the only one that teared up a little at that one. But by revealing in DC Universe Zero that Barry Allen was back, Grant Morrison took away any impact that Barry’s return in this issue could have had.

All right, that’s enough. I honestly only picked this book for the BOD because I wanted to read Doom DeLuise rant about it. I didn’t take into acoount that that meant I’d have to think about this issue at all.