Reviewing My Roommate’s Crappy Comics


As you can probably tell by my lack of posting on here lately, I haven’t had much to say about comic books. After Countdown to Final Crisis, which I dutifully reviewed all 51 issues of (more or less), I guess you could say I needed a little bit of a break. It seemed like a good plan, since I wasn’t quite ready to dump Marvel and DC; I just needed a little space. DC especially was getting a little clingy.

Well, the break isn’t quite over just yet. I bought the first issue of Final Crisis last week, and it was as if I saw DC hooking up with some random dude at a frat party. I mean, we’re just on a break! We haven’t split up yet, but boy is it getting close.

So what is a guy who writes for a comic blog to write about if he’s on a break from comics? Luckily, I’m only on a break from MY crappy comics. My roommate has still been buying the funny books, which means, after much arduous exposition, you’re in luck. Come along for the ride as I set forth reviewing my roommate’s crappy comics!

dark tower 41. The Dark Tower #4 (of 5)
Oh, shit, what have I gotten myself into?

I read the first issue of the Dark Tower series because they had a lot of copies at my local comic shop, and the owner said they were moving a lot of them. I figured there must’ve been something to it, but, boy was I wrong. I guess I momentarily forgot the face of my father.

So, coming into this, the only thing I was going off was the little explanation they give on the first page of each issue. And, really, that’s about the only part that made any sense to me. It’s about some guy in an alternate dimension that’s kind of like hell, meeting with, well, that ugly sonofabitch right there in that pretty picture.

And that alternate dimension is contained within a glowing bowling ball? Did I read that right? Oh, and there’s a big fight with wolf monsters. That was kind of weird and hard to follow. Yeah, I still don’t see why people buy this. Just because you write a lot of books doesn’t mean they’re any good. Stephen King sucks.

2. Kick-Ass #3
Seriously, what was I thinking?

This is another one I dropped after the first issue. Between then and now, Kick-Ass has become a huge internet sensation, with video of him beating up some thugs getting tons of hits on YouTube. Oh my god, the internet’s so edgy!

In this issue, Kick-Ass’s alter-ego macks on some chicks, gets some confidence, and talks about jerkin’ off a little. I think. Something really childish like that. Speaking of that, the characters in this also use some pretty colorful, inflammatory language. I’m talking really vulgar. And homophobic. And misogynistic. Oh my god, calling a woman a cunt is so cutting edge!

Anyway, at the end, a little girl joins Kick-Ass by saving him in a fight and cutting a guy’s head off with ease. John Romita Jr. sucks at drawing, though, so it looks like there’s no impact and you can’t really tell if he knows what’s supposed to be drawn inside of a human head. Brains? What’re those?

3. Trinity #1
Dodged a bullet on this one! We already reviewed it. Never again!

4. Nova #14
Have I told you how much I love Nova? No? Well, let me restate that. His current comic is my favorite one. Here’s the current storyline in a nutshell: Nova responds to a distress call on a planet. Galactus is getting ready to feed. Nova tries to help people to safety and asks Galactus for a reprieve. Silver Surfer says (through his body language), “Oh no you didn’t just talk to Galactus!”

And then this issue begins, and the two get in a kick-ass fight. At the close of the issue, Galactus is really ridiculously close to eating the planet, everybody is safe, but Nova is stuck without an exit strategy. Just like in Iraq! Only completely different.

I really like that about Nova. Each issue, he gets in more and more trouble, and you never quite know how the Human Rocket’s gonna get out of it. It makes the eventual, inevitable victory seem that much more impressive. So, here’s to Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning for knowing how to really pile it on!

5. Secret Invasion #3
Admittedly, I haven’t really gotten into the Secret Invasion stuff. I’ve been reading the main mini-series, but I still don’t read New Avengers or Mighty Avengers. I sometimes think to myself that I should go back and catch up, but then I remember naked-lady-Ultron, and I decide against it.

But, seriously, speaking of knowing how to pile it on, the amount of domination from the Skrulls so far has been damned impressive. This issue is the first time we get a W for the good guys, with Nick Fury showing up at the end to rally the troops.

Let’s talk about Nick Fury. Which Fury do you prefer? Sam Jackson or The Hoff? I personally like this one, because he just seems a lot tougher and more world-weary. That counts for something, in my book.

Really, I don’t know most of the characters in this thing, and I don’t care that I don’t know. It’s a fun superhero book, and I’m along for the ride.

6. Detective Comics #845
Crap. This is one of the main reasons I took a break in the first place.

Batman, in Detective Comics, is like that annoying tick your girlfriend has when she flips through the TV channels. It’s fairly harmless and she doesn’t even realize what she’s doing, but goddamn if it isn’t the most annoying thing you’ve ever seen.

So, no, Batman in Detective Comics. You can go to hell; I’m not reviewing you.

jsa 167. Justice Society of America #16
I quit this one a few issues ago, I thought. Well, Gog is here, and he comes in peace. He smiles a lot, and he fixes Damage’s scars. And he’s really big and creepy, but whatever. They gave a big lengthy explanation, but I didn’t read it, because it looked like it was drawn by Alex Ross, and I refuse to let Alex Ross piss me off right now.

The best part of this issue is that Black Adam is back. It’s explained that, at the end of Countdown, when Mary kicked her powers out, they were transferred back to Black Adam, in full. So, I guess the powers Mary got from Darkseid are something else entirely.

It doesn’t matter. You can almost hear your favorite Simpsons character, after Black Adam recharges, saying to everybody who read Countdown, “Now may we never speak of this again.”

And it’s about time somebody said that.