The Final Word on Heroes

We’ve been over this before. Again and again. I hate the television show “Heroes.” It’s no secret. I also really enjoy arguing about it. This is the last time I’m ever going to mention the show here or anywhere else (unless I’m really drunk, in which case I might just start shouting at anybody nearby who will listen). I have to ask myself what the point of arguing is, at this point, when the show has lost even the smallest shred of credibility, and, the sad truth is that, the only reason is because, regardless of the show’s complete worthlessness, it still, this week, snagged the third best rating in the 18-34 year-old demographic. People watch this abysmal shit, still; and they defend it, somehow. I can’t figure it out. The show is so completely pathetic, and, yet, people still prop it up as something decent or good. It’s really quite awful.

To start with, let’s clear the air. Forget everything that’s ever been said about this show before, and let’s look strictly at the last episode that aired on Monday, focus all of our attention on that highly rated episode that helped NBC win the ratings for that hour, and ignore everything that’s come before (more or less).

The premise: Adam, whose power is that he can heal from anything (just like Wolverine), and Peter (whose power is to use the powers of any other heroes he’s ever come into contact with) storm the office of the Company, in order to destroy the deadly virus that will wipe out the human race in a future that Peter has seen. Peter knows that the virus will be released THIS VERY DAY, so he is fully devoted to destroying it before that happens. Hiro (whose power is to travel through space and time, like Nightcrawler and Rip Hunter rolled into one) has come to stop these two, along with Nathan (Peter’s brother who has the power to fly, just like…oh you get the idea) and Matt Parkman (whose power is to read and warp minds, with the added ability to alter reality within the minds of those he’s altering — like that creepy little bastard that messes with Professor X’s mind in X2).

To sum up, Peter has the ability to fly, travel through space and time, heal any wound, read minds, shoot lightning, shoot nuclear energy, disappear, walk through walls, and move objects with his thoughts. A healer’s blood can also be transfused into recently deceased people in order to bring them back to life, as has been done with Noah (the cheerleader’s dad) and Maya (some dumb bitch who kills people by crying, sometimes — hey, at least it’s unique; stupid, but unique).

Peter and Adam fight everybody off and eventually break into the vault by Peter using the Force. Peter then realizes Adam intends to unleash the virus, so he destroys it instead with his Human Bomb powers. The heroes all decide to go public, and, during their press conference, a sniper shoots Nathan dead, ala Captain America. Their mom says Pandora’s box has been opened, just like the Greek story about Pandora’s Box, and, in a tease to next season, Sylar gets his powers back, just like at the end of Superman 2 when Superman gets his powers back.

Ok, then. We’re all on the same page.

Problem number one. The show lost all dramatic tension by showing that anybody, anywhere can be brought back to life by a blood transfusion of Claire or Adam’s blood (or Peter’s, probably, since he can heal, too). Nathan being shot at the end of the episode has no dramatic importance. He’ll be fine ten minutes into next season’s premiere, unless the writers are braindead. Oh wait.

Problem number two. Peter knows that the virus is going to be released on this specific day, so he’s going to destroy it before somebody else makes that happen. Who else? Who else is trying to break into that vault other than Peter and Adam? Why would Peter not listen to the dozen other people telling him that Adam’s evil? Moreover, WHY WOULDN’T PETER JUST READ ADAM’S MIND TO FIND OUT THE TRUTH?

Problem number three. When Peter and Adam reach the vault, they get in by Peter using his Darth Vader powers to rip the vault door off. Why not use his Vision powers to walk through walls? Why not use his Nightcrawler powers to BAMF to the other side?

Problem number four. Peter destroys the virus by blowing it up, breaking the vial it’s in and melting it. Since it’s an airborne virus, though, wouldn’t that just release the virus? Did he just kill the human race?

Problem number five. Basically the only thing Heroes has that is entirely unique and not stolen from some other source is a megamutant who has the ability to take every other hero’s mutant ability. It’s like they’ve created Rogue without the ability to go back to normal, the important part of her character that makes her an actual viable source for comic tension. The reason that’s never been done before is because it’s like giving someone rock, paper, and scissors, and then expecting the game to still be fun. Then they gave Sylar the same power, so it’s two guys duking it out with rock, paper, and scissors all engaged in real time, countering one another at every blow, and every other character is meaningless, except that they represent another ability for Sylar and Peter to throw down and counter when they eventually meet up and fight. And, when that happens, if last season’s finale is any indication, they won’t use any powers at all, and will rather opt for dumbass on dumbass fisticuffs.

Problem number six. WHO ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU STILL WATCHING THIS?