Countdown to Final Crisis: Twenty-Two

You know those creepy voyeur websites floating all over the Internet? You know how sometimes, you see some creepy pictures of a girl who was asleep, naked, and some guy just decided to take her picture and throw it up online? If not, I don’t even want to know you, but, if you’re anything like me, you know exactly what I’m talking about, so you know what I mean when I say that that’s how we open this week’s issue of Countdown — with a practically naked picture of Mary Marvel splashed across the first page. Some convenient shadows (in space, no less) make it so we can’t see anything, but we all know what’s under there. Frankly, this comic sickens me sometimes.

Anyway, Mary is with Eclipso, who saved her from being blown to bits by the Dominion’s fleet last week. Mary doesn’t believe Eclipso’s excuses anymore, so she steals Eclipso’s diamond (the source of her power) and blasts her into next Tuesday. Sigh. I miss Black Adam. At least when he was laying the smack down, he wasn’t quoting shitty James Bond movies and even shittier gangster rap superstars.

Elsewhere, Jimmy Olsen is on Apokolips, slaving away and complaining a whole bunch. Mister Miracle finds him, though, and helps him out by dumping him into a big fire pit. Which is weird, since Mister Miracle, in “Death of the New Gods,” came to Apokolips with Superman and Darkseid’s son, Orion, and they were anything but hiding in shadows. They actually staged a full-on assault until they met with Darkseid, revealed that Mister Miracle has the Anti-Life Equation, and then left immediately for New Genesis. Why the hell can’t this series fit into SOME sort of continuity? Hell, they didn’t even put Mister Miracle in his newly colored costume that he changed into after Barda died. Seriously, this shit’s weak.

Elsewhere, Mister Mxyzptlk returns to the Fifth Dimension, fresh off last week’s run-in with Superman Prime. When we left Mxy last week, he had made a fool of Prime, and he was headed back to the other dimension, calmly, cooly, stating that if he were in better shape, he’d go back for a fight. This week, though, he’s completely freaked out, sweating, crying, and saying, “Seal the dimension off! The f-fifth dimension! Seal it off! He’s…there! He is…the end! I can never go back there!” Something of a departure, no? Well, those dumbass editors, in their weekly interview with Newsarama, specifically stated this week that there is no explanation for the change in mood, and that it was an oversight. Oh, come on, guys!

You’d think, with all this talk of inane details, that nothing really big happened this week in Countdown. You’d be right, but I suppose in fairness, I should mention that Trickster is dead. Deadshot finally caught up to the duo that nobody cares about, and he had revenge on the brain. Trickster got his face drug along the ground outside of a moving train and was shot twice — once in the chest, and once in the forehead.

And just when I was starting to like him!