Countdown: Thirty through Twenty-Eight

countdown 30-28
To the untrained eye, it would seem as if I haven’t been keeping up with Countdown lately, either through lack of interest or laziness. But, to the eye that has brains, it would be obvious that Doom DeLuise always has a plan and never loses sight of the bigger picture. Since Countdown has been so dreadful since it started, with so little happening each issue, I decided to try a great experiment, whereby I’d wait several weeks before writing a recap, by which point there would perhaps be enough that had transpired for me to put together a full-length blog. I’m not sure if we’re quite there yet, but I decided that I should probably throw one together at this point, before I forget everything and/or lose the issues and/or sell this shit to some other sucker. So, without further adieu, let’s jump on into it. Warning: This series is terrible.

To begin with, let’s look at Karate Kid. He’s on the cover of Countdown Twenty-Nine, blinding Brother Eye. So, you already know what happens, right? Wrong. He doesn’t blind Brother Eye. He doesn’t even fight Brother Eye. And, wait a minute, didn’t Brother Eye get destroyed in the Infinite Crisis? Wasn’t there a follow-up OMAC project issue where Checkmate tracked Brother Eye down to an African desert, where they made sure it was destroyed? Whatever, we can’t worry about such things as consistency. So, anyway, Karate Kid does meet Brother Eye. They talk. Brother Eye attacks, but, before the fighting gets out of hand, he stops. He tells them he can’t help them or tell what’s wrong with Karate Kid (is something actually wrong? Nobody seems to know what it is, but he’s so sure he’s got a problem). Anyway, they’re directed to a storage unit underneath Bludhaven. Wait. Didn’t Bludhaven get blown to a gigantic crater? Oh yeah.

Elsewhere, what’s been happening with everybody’s favorite rogues? I wouldn’t know. They’re not in this book. Instead, we follow Pied Piper and Trickster. They escape from the wedding and meet a lame villain named Double Down. They talk. They’re ambushed by the gubment. They escape.

Elsewhere, Jimmy Olsen’s powers go nuts during his visit to Cadmus, so he escapes to the sewers, where he meets the Newsboy Legion. What were they doing down there? They talk. They’re ambushed by Forager, and he asks Jimmy for help finding the souls of the dead New Gods. Why not ask him to help save the living New Gods? Oh well.

Elsewheres, Holly Robinson is with the Athenians in Training, approaching a big island. On the way, she has to jump into the water and kill a shark, to prove her worth. In her armor. She does. She makes it to the island. I wonder when they’re gonna realize “Athena” is actually Granny Goodness.

Elsewhere, Mary Marvel kills some people. With irony!

Elsewhere (Earth-15 to be exact!), the Challengers meet their counterparts, who are all much more successful and self-assured. What if? They talk. They leave. In the next issue, the Challengers have been captured by Lord Havok’s men. They talk. They leave. Jokester gets killed. What the hell was the point of bringing him in? Monarch shows up and beats them up. He says he’s recruiting people for his cause. Yeah, we get it.

That’s all. All of that for only nine bucks. Oh, and if you were stupid enough to buy the Countdown Presents the Search for Ray Palmer, all it is is an origin story of the Jokester. Y’know, the guy that showed up for an issue, made jokes, and got killed.

So, so stupid.