Book of Doom That Time Forgot: ASSBAR #5

It’s our tribute to the notoriously delayed, yet finally released comic books of last week, as yesterday we took on Ultimates 2 #13 and today it’s time for All-Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder.

I stopped reading ASSBAR after issue 2 or 3 when I just felt offended to be paying money for stupid writing and Jim Lee’s obsession with drawing every woman as a splash-page pinup. I think it was Vicki Vale walking around her apartment in high heels and lingerie that made me question my decision to pay money for it.

Here we are now at issue 5, I’m not sure that much has changed, but I sort of like it. The heroes are acting like some slight variations of idiots or jerks, but I can’t help but appreciate this view of how the JLA could have turned out with just some minor changes. After all, the point of these All Star and Ultimate universes are to re-envision the familiar, and I actually feel like the way these characters are acting – while not at all admirable – is a believable take on their core.

Wonder Woman really is a warrior woman who has never had need for men. Reading her as a hot-tempered jerk was kind of a fun change. Superman’s struggle to be a nice guy when he really can take everything he wants was also refreshing. But man, best of all, it was Batman.

I think we’re all guilty of loving Batman a little too much, because I think we all go through a phase of where we want to be Batman. He’s rich, he’s a ladies man, he has awesome gadgets and he gets to go out and fight crime. But what we often overlook is the fact that he puts on a bat costume and spandex and leaps through the night. There’s a necessity for a certain maniacal side to him that is usually left out of comic books because I don’t think many writers want to treat him that way. If Batman is ever written with any flaws, it’s that he’s too paranoid or too judgmental. Basically he’s too much of a tough guy. But really – think about it. Batman may have some good excuses to do what he does, but ultimately he decides to put on a funny costume and fight crime. Frankly I love that someone is taking the character to the extreme that I really don’t think other writers have had the courage to do.

But then there’s the fact that it’s Frank Miller. Frank Miller can’t write anything without being psychoanalyzed, and a lot of that is probably his own fault. He does seem to have a thing for Superman and Wonder Woman hooking up; he seems to have a thing for aggressive protagonists and excessive violence. All of that stuff can get more than a little tiresome.

But one thing that’s important to note here is that it’s not at all subtle that Batman is crazy. He’s on a power trip. Maybe I’m giving Miller too much credit here, but I think Batman’s going to hit a wall. I’m not sure he’s being entirely glorified, but rather that we will see the shaping of “true” heroes from the chaos that’s about to happen when all these imperfect jerks finally collide.

I’m not saying it’s the way Batman should be written, but I do think that Miller is writing him in the way that most other writers are too afraid to write him, in spite of the fact that it’s just as believable take as the cold detective we get in the mainstream DCU. Whether it’s the All-Star universe or Miller’s celebrity status that allows it to happen, I’m actually kind of excited to read this take on the character.

Jean-Claude Van Doom:
Now, round two. ASSBAR. I hated the first three books of this crap and dropped it. Honestly, I wouldn’t have minded if it never returned. The twist side of that is that it didn’t really affect my reading at all that Miller and Lee were so grotesquely late. So, yes, I enjoyed reading it.

But, hold the phone, I loved this book in the way that I love Chuck Norris movies. This book is such amazing awfulness and so incredibly offensive to the senses that I can’t help but admire its giddy destructiveness and laugh at its utter failings.

While the art is just average Jim Lee (which was a bad fit to begin with), the writing is some of the worst I’ve ever seen. From Diana’s man-hating vamp inner monologue to Dick’s ridiculous declarations, this thing is packed front to back with cliche-ridden, overwrought pap. Even Alfred sounds like a wiseguy from a dog-eared pulp novel.

The cherry comes in the center of the book with the extended Batman soliloquy that starts with, “I love being the goddamn BATMAN.” It makes me sick to think how many comic nerds will lap that up like nectar from on high. Batman mercifully continues and we get gems like, “Every inch of me is alive,” and, “The wind goes berserk. Electricity tingles my skin and rattles my whiskers,” and, “Another storm. Cool.”

“Rattles my whiskers”? What, are the goddamn Batman’s whiskers made of oak slats? Has Miller just completely lost his mind? Or is he playing us all for saps and writing this as ridiculous tripe just because he can? Whatever the case, while it’s a fun car crash to watch, I don’t have the stomach to fund an asshole writer’s “I’m Keith Hernandez” moment. So this series gets the boot. Luckily, that just means every six months or so I’ll have to remember not to buy it.

Doom DeLuise:
When All-Star Batman and Robin was first announced way back when, I originally was excited to see Frank Miller return to the Batman universe and play around a bit. The more I read about it, though, I became increasingly excited to see his take on, specifically, the character of Robin.

That’s why the only disappointment I have with this issue (other than the colossal delay) is that Dick Grayson, for being one of the marquee characters, sure doesn’t get a whole lot of face time.

Aside from that, I love this series. Yes, it’s crossed the line into that “so bad it’s good” territory, but that’s not the main reason I love it. I love that we are actually being given a window into the mind of a man who is completely losing it. His talent, his control, and, ultimately, his sanity. When you have your main character referring to somebody as “Rapist,” as if it’s a proper name or laughing maniacally as he swings across roof tops, something Batman’s never exactly been known for, or uttering phrases such as “I love being the goddamn Batman,” well, there’s not much to say in defense of yourself. This isn’t Batman, folks. I think it’s Frank Miller’s projection of how he’d act if he were the Caped Crusader. Yes, it’s a grown-up teenage power fantasy. And it’s goddamned entertaining.

Fin Fang Doom:
While reading ASSBAR this week, I started to think that maybe I unfairly judged the book when I stopped buying it years ago (way back at issue #2). This ultra-bitchy, feminazi Wonder Woman certainly wasn’t the Wonder Woman I’ve grown to love, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. After all, 616 Captain America wouldn’t kick Hulk in the balls, but it doesn’t mean Ultimate Cap sucks because he did. And sure, Green Lantern was handled pretty badly, but Plastic Man was fun. And yes, WW saying “I hate your guts” and “I hate you all” over and over was just bad dialogue (tell us how you really feel, Diana), but the actual idea of the JLA plotting to take out Batman because they deem him a threat is pretty cool. ASSBAR certainly wasn’t as bad as I remembered (but then again that was so long ago my memory is a bit hazy).

Then Batman showed up, and I remembered everything that was wrong with the book. All-Star Batman seems to betray everything Batman is about. Batman fights crime because he feels it’s his responsibility to do so. ASSBats seems to fight crime because its fun. Batman never inflicts more damage on someone than absolutely necessary to get the job done. ASSBats beats the sh!# out of petty crooks because he can. Batman’s sense of responsibility and morality are really the basis of the character. ASSBats has neither of those. Take them away and you’re left with some dick in a bat suit, not Batman.

As for the story itself…I’m sorry, there was a story this issue? The JLA meets, Batman goes on patrol, Alfred exercises and Dick Grayson looks at stuff. Wow. Action-packed. I’d call it boring if it hadn’t kept me interested by its sheer horrendousness. What was with that ending? Robin wearing pajamas holding an axe is not a cliffhanger. Jim Lee is handling his part of the creative duties well, but Frank Miller is just not a good writer anymore. Revisiting the appropriately mocked line “the goddamn Batman” is proof enough.

and celebrity guest reviewer Aaron of GeekintheCity.com:
What in the name of all that is pure and holy happened to Frank Miller?

Does anyone remember when Frank Miller wrote good comics? With the exception of 300, I can’t think of anything out of the Miller camp that didn’t feel like a massive slap in the face to all comic fans. I know that makes me a pariah among my fellow comic book readers, but I just can’t bring myself to take anything from Frank Miller seriously. I’ve tried to
tell myself that Frank’s obvious hatred of the superhero genre is simply an attempt at pop culture deconstruction.

However, after reading the painfully late and appropriately nicknamed, ASSBAR #5, I must change my mind. Frank Miller flat out hates anything in spandex or a cape. Even more so if said character has the XX Chromosome.

This issue is more than painful. It is insulting.

Perhaps I am being too hard on Frank Miller. Perhaps my own love of Batman as a character and cultural icon is tainting my review. To be fair, I have a very definitive set of rules regarding Batman. How he should talk, how he should act, how he treats thugs, and how he treats friends. Not saying I am against an alternative viewpoint of the Dark Knight, in fact, I find well-thought out analysis interesting. However, Frank Miller’s treatment of Batman (and the other DC icons within this book) is insulting. Okay, let me do my best to step off my soapbox and actually review this sucker.

Opening with Gale Wonder Woman, the verbal style of ASSBAR #5 is set. Wonder Woman is disgusted with man’s world, disgusted by men that are nothing but “sperm banks.” Frank’s treatment of Wonder Woman is his first salvo in his attack on the superhero genre. She is a spoiled aristocrat. She hates all men. She believes herself better then
all men. Wonder Woman’s outlook on men gains support when Plastic Man, in the form of a fire hydrant all but asks for the Golden Disciple from the Amazon warrior. I guess if a member of the Justice League asked me to piss on them, I wouldn’t hold them in very high regard either. However, all her strength and bravado are brought to task with a simply bellow from the Man of Steel. Falling into Superman’s arms, Wonder Woman partakes in a deep and passionate kiss. That is the lesson kids. If a woman gets uppity with you, you need to knock her down a few pegs, slip her the tongue, give her a good squeeze, and tell her to step back. I’m also not going to into the bizarre connection between Wonder Woman and her passionate lust for the “Zeus like” Superman. (The little princess came from clay, but daddy Zeus
gave her life. Read into that what you will). Oh, and somewhere between the adolescent sexuality of Plastic Man, the impotent Green Lantern, and the creepy Superman / Wonder Woman lust; this new “Justice League” decides to catch and imprison the Bat-Man. (Well, the weak men want to turn Bruce in, Wonder Woman just wants to break his neck, Maxwell Lord style).

Cut to the Goddamn Batman leaping and laughing over the Gotham rooftops.

This is not the Batman I know and love, hell; this Batman isn’t familiar to anyone. Okay, I can deal with that, at least in concept. The whole point of the All Star Series is re-introduction of DC Icon’s to a new audience, an answer to Marvel’s Ultimate line. As much as I am not a fan of re-imagining, the creation of a new line of comics works when the core
of the character remains. Read, Grant Morrison’s fantastic run on All Star Superman. (Which makes me wonder why his run on Batman is so terrible, but that is a whole other rant). Therefore, a re-imagined Batman and Robin can work, as long as you remember Batman’s core character. Batman wants justice in an unjust world. Batman wants to make sure that no child ever stands over his or her dead parents. Although he strikes from darkness and fear, Batman wants to make the world a better place.

Batman is not out for revenge. Batman takes no pleasure in the pain he delivers.

Not so with Frank Miller’s Goddamn Batman. This Batman laughs like an insane killer clown as he leaps upon the murders and rapists of Gotham. Yes, these disgusting criminals need punishing. However, Frank Miller’s Goddamn Batman takes a visceral pleasure in pummeling the thugs within an inch of their lives. This Batman doesn’t really care if the people he trashes live or die once he leaps away. Yes, The Dark Knight uses pain to strike fear into the hearts of criminals. But, there is a line. A line Batman will never cross. The line that makes him no different from those he brings down. While killing isn’t shown in ASSBAR #5, it is implied that Frank Miller’s Goddamn Batman wouldn’t mind if his endless punches to the face brought death. This isn’t my Batman. This shouldn’t be anyone’s Batman. I try hard not to tell people what they should and should not read. Well, this time I am. Don’t read this book. This isn’t Batman.
Period.

Also, Frank, could you find some new dialogue please?

“A hunter’s night.” Do you know how many books Frank Miller has used that completely tired line? Here, I’ll help: Marvel Team-Up Annual #4, Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, A Dame to Kill For, That Yellow Bastard, The Hard
Goodbye, 300, The Dark Knight Strikes Again, and finally, All Star Batman and Robin. Notice a trend here? Okay Frank, we get it: All of your characters have a primal desire to stalk, hunt, and kill. Fine, point made. Please move on. You aren’t the Hemingway of comics anymore. Please Frank, it is obvious your heart isn’t in comics anymore. You’ve done some fantastic things for the medium. You really and truly have and for that, the comic book industry thanks you. However, it is clear your heart is in film now. Let comics go. Let us remember good Frank Miller. Not the sadist we’re reading right now.

I know I should comment on the art, but, I just can’t bring myself to devote any more attention to this book. Jim Lee is Jim Lee. Although even his work feels dull in ASSBAR #5. This isn’t the Jim Lee that cut loose in Hush. Maybe this is what happens when you take a year to complete one friggen issue: You forget how your characters look and how they act.

I’ll take the anti-climactic exploits of the The Ultimates before I ever pick up a book starring the All Star Batman and Robin ever again.

Damn, I never thought this day would come.