Meaningless Awards of the Week- 3/7/07

Death of the Week

18. The Lorens (Nightwing #130)
17. Probably some civilians in Wayne Tower (Detective Comics #829)
16. An old lady (Nightwing #130)
15. Delron (Criminal #5)
14. That guy playing poker (Dark Tower: The Gunslinger Born #2)
13. Jeff (Criminal #5)
12. Lots and lots of Shi’ar (Uncanny X-Men #484)
11. Gonzo (Uncle Sam & The Freedom Fighters #8)
10. War (52 Week 44)
9. Pestilence (52 Week 44)
8. Death (52 Week 44)
7. Seymour (Criminal #5)
6. Isis (52 Week 44)
5. The Avengers (Marvel Zombies vs. Army of Darkness #1)
4. Solomon Grundy (Justice League of America #6)
3. Sobek/”Famine”- (52 Week 44)
2. Spider-Man (Marvel Zombies vs. Army of Darkness #1)
1. Captain America (Captain America #25)

Man, this was a big week for death. It seems like I bought more comics this week that featured someone’s death than ones that didn’t. The majority of the deaths took place in three books: 52, Criminal and Marvel Zombies v. Army of Darkness. 52 contained the deaths of Isis and the Monster Society of the Four Ages of Dread of Apokolips in its Anguished, Bloody Morning (or something). Criminal featured many deaths, including a rather unpleasant heroin inhalation scene. MZvAOD contained the deaths of, well, pretty much everyone except Ash. The Batman family had a hard time preventing civilians from getting killed this week: four people were murdered in Nightwing and who-knows-how-many were killed in the explosions in Wayne Tower. The best death, of course, was Captain America, which the Legion discussed earlier this week.

Line of the Week

5. “Anyone want dibs on his brain?” Hawkeye, from MZvAOD #1 by John Layman
4. “I was wrong, Adam…it was never you that needed redemption. It was the rest of the world. The world of men that made such horrible creatures. The evil needs to die. I thought we could be above them, but…for the pain they have put out family through…avenge us.” Isis, from 52 Week 44, by Waid, Johns, Rucka or Morrison
3. “What’s your origin, honey? Bitten by a radioactive libido?” The Mauve Visitor, from Planetary Brigade Origins by J.M. DeMatteis
2. “The Crimson King speaks. As a direct result, somewhere a slumbering, dreaming infant shudders and dies in its crib.” Narrator, from Dark Tower: The Gunslinger Born #2 by Peter David
1. “Irresponsible journalism in a time of war.” Colonel Doom, describing the AP’s spoilage of the death of Captain America

The Joe Quesada Award for distinction in diminishing stories you had nothing to do with

The Associated Press, Wizard, Larry from Trade-a- Tape, and anyone else who spoiled the death of Captain America

Miraculously, I managed to read Captain America #25 before getting spoiled. It seems like it was pretty much impossible to not get spoiled, but thanks to a timely phone call from Colonel Doom, I was warned in advance to read the issue before doing anything involving TV, the internet, or apparently even talking to the guys at the comic store.

The AP spoiling the story, while incredibly annoying, is understandable. They were given a press release from Marvel stating one of its major characters was dying. That’s news-like, and should be reported as such. The AP doesn’t care about spoiling a story for a relative handful of people, nor should they really. Yeah, it sucks, but it’s really Marvel’s fault (and since Marvel did have something to do with the story, they are ineligible for the Joe Quesada Award).

On Friday, I checked my e-mail and saw that I had received a message from Wizard on Wednesday. The subject line said “Captain America dies in Cap #25!!” or something to that effect. Wizard spoiling the story is incredibly annoying and not at all understandable. Wizard relies on comic readers to stay in business. So isn’t spoiling a major story for said comic readers an amazingly bad business decision? What would possess a company to alienate their customer base that way? The worst part is that the spoiler was in the subject line of the e-mail, so I couldn’t even check my e-mail without being spoiled!

Like I said, I got a call from Colonel Doom on Wednesday warning me to read the issue right away before I encountered spoilers. Where did he hear about the spoilers? You’re not going to believe this one:

Colonel Doom (walking into comic shop): Hey, what’s up?
Larry (owner of comic shop): Captain America died.
Colonel Doom (weeping uncontrollably): NNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Honest to god, that’s what happened. Well, that’s what Colonel Doom told me happened, at least. Granted, it was already 5:00 PM and they were sold out of Cap #25 anyway, so Larry probably assumed the Colonel had already heard or at least would hear before he had a chance to read the issue, but come on! That’s just uncalled for. Strangely enough, while I was in the same comic store three hours earlier, Larry told me of a telemarketing scam he had encountered earlier that day claiming customers had given the store bad reviews. If this wasn’t the first time since they showed me the Astonishing X-Men #4 variant spoiler cover that I had been disappointed in the store, I might suspect there was some truth to that.