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Sandman always looks stupid

I was just reading Newsarama’s interview with Justice Society of America artist Dale Eaglesham when I thought, “Gosh, that new Sandman really looks stupid.” Then I started thinking even more, and realized that pretty much every incarnation of Sandman, regardless of era or company, looks stupid.

Starting out, we’ve got the Golden Age Sandman, who gets some bonus points for looking pretty cool given his context. His buds on the All-Star Squadron included the ridiculous-looking Atom and Starman, so he gets a few points for not being portrayed with the spandex and underwear-on-the-outside.

But that’s where said points end. His color scheme of blue, green and purple is pretty nauseating, even by Golden Age standards. His “gas mask” just kind of looks like a yellow face plate with a metallic penis stuck on the front. And he’s a little happy-go-lucky for someone dressed so dismally. But again, it was the Golden Age, so everybody was saying and doing stupid stuff.

Be warned – this is not one of those sites designed to take Golden Age panels out of context to say “Ha ha, stupid old-timers!” Instead, this site will just say “Man, those were some stupid costumes.”

In the ’90s, however, his potential to look awesome was realized in the fantastic Sandman Mystery Theatre series, and the naturally-colored gas mask and trench coat (rather than the brightly-colored cape) made Wesley Dodds look about as cool as a Golden Age hero possibly could, even though Wesley Dodds was ironically reimagined with a far less stereotypically heroic portrayal.

The visuals of the character weren’t the only potential realized, as that series remains one of my favorites ever to this day. It was a redesign rooted in reality – visually, thematically, dramatically, and probably most other words that end in -ally. But it showed that a character whose power lies in what could be works best when operating in the contrast of what is.

This coolness would not last long, as Dodds was killed off in the early days of the JSA relaunch and was eventually replaced by his former sidekick, Sandy Hawkins.

DC could have left the Sandman visuals alone, but instead, they took one of the most naturally creepy-looking masks known to man – the gas mask – and replaced it with some stupid Scarab-looking gold thing. Sometimes comic book costumes appear to be designed on some principal that elements have to have a minimum number of pieces and lines. While Sandy’s new mask does offer a subtle callback to the phallic Golden Age faceplate, those squirmy faux-face muscles made of gold are just weird and not in a good way.

And instead of leaving the trench coat, they gave him a parka or something. Now he just looks like some loser walking around trying to look scary. Or like “I’ve got a superhero costume…but it looks like rain.”

But let’s step back a few years to the 70s, when Jack Kirby unveiled his latest creation – The Sandman of legend!

That’s right, the guy who existed in folklore for centuries and pop songs for decades apparently decided in the 1970s to put on yellow and red tights, a mask and a cape. Please let all of those who continue to worship Jack Kirby’s every fart never stumble upon this ridiculous crap, particularly when Sandman teams up with Santa Claus, lest they have nightmares.

DC eventually overhauled this Sandman’s background in the 80s, and Hector Hall even played the character for a while. His costume was similar to the Kirby look, though his character and costume were kind of like a cross between Kirby’s Sandman and Hourman, as Hall could only leave the dream world for an hour a day and he had an hourglass on his chest.

Then there’s also that version of the Sandman that all your emo friends like – Neil Gaiman’s “Dream.”

Every once in a while, he looks kind of cool, like a fit Robert Smith or something, but more often than not – particularly when drawn by Sam Keith or Kelley Jones – he just looks like a pale moron with frizzy hair.

Even though liking this Sandman will often make it okay to tell your non-comics friends that you like to read comic books, is it really worth it? It’s not like you’re going to gain any cred with anyone who matters, so why don’t you just buy a comic book where the artist didn’t learn to draw by making Trent Reznor fan art.

And finally, we should recall the one who is about to become the most famous Sandman of all – Marvel’s Spider Man nemesis – also known as “The man who is always wearing a green and black striped shirt with brown pants.” I think Dennis the Menace has changed outfits more times than this Sandman.

They should call him the Sander because he looks like a tool. Heyoooooo! I just came up with that one. I still think being called “Sander” would be cooler than being called “Sand,” for the record.

And sadly, to wrap up this grainy sandicism, I offer proof that no Sandman is immune to appearing quite disappointingly lame.

Exit life, indeed.