Countdown to Final Crisis: Thirteen
What top secret message does a giant flaming hand have for the Challengers of Beyond? What would lead anybody to say the words, “I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you to death?” What happened off-panel between last week when Forerunner was challenging Monitor Solomon to a death match, and when they first show up this week, with her knocked unconscious? Wait no, that one doesn’t work. Where there is life, according to Monitor-51, what else is there? What sound effect is used when a fist punches through the back of a human head? For the absolutely thrilling answers to these burning questions, and many more, look no further than the pages of Countdown to Final Crisis #13, on newsstands now!
I can’t do that to you. The answers are, “To Apokolips,” no fucking clue, ditto, hope, and, apparently, “Sklutch!” Hit the jump, y’all.
In case you couldn’t tell by my biting tone (that’s one of many writerly tricks I have up my sleeves (another is using lots of cliches!)!), this issue of Countdown is terrible, just like all the others. The main difference is that, in this, I think that an entire universe was blown up, along with all life in that universe, along with a whole bunch of superheroes and supervillains, including several of the main characters of this series.
But, like, always, we’ll have to suffer the nitty-gritty before I can bitch and moan about it all. So let’s get this party a-poppin! The table’s set, the guests are here, the shit’s goin’ down, and, as you can tell from the cover, Superman-Prime has already started in on the bitter beer! Let’s rock!
To start with, Monitor-51 is back up in space (what happened to being on-planet and fighting like last week?), and he’s still got that single tear thing going on. Superman-Prime has arrived, and he wastes no time in taking the fight against Monarch and sensible dialogue. Monarch shows him that he’s nucular, and gives everybody a taste, leveling an entire city. That’s quite the power.
The Challengers are safe from the explosion, and they are given a message by the Source to head to Apokolips. Earth-51 Batman, along with Red Robin, continue fighting the bad guys, until Superman punches a hole through the back of Batman’s head. Red Robin gets mad, Joker makes fun of him, Red Robin smashes Joker’s head with a big rock, and the Challengers (with Ray Palmer) leave this universe for the Fourth World.
Somewhere else, not quite sure where (it’s called the Multiversal Nexus), Forerunner’s been beaten up by Solomon (when did that happen?) and Darkseid shows up to offer his hand to Solomon. Ok.
Back on Earth-51, the fight between Superman-Prime and Monarch comes to a dramatic end when Superman-Prime rips Monarch’s chest open and Monarch’s power blows up the entire universe. Monitor-51 surveys the damage as the last survivor, but then he sees a little leaf growing out of a little mound of dirt that appears to be floating in the sky (WHERE? THEY JUST BLEW UP THE UNIVERSE). Beats me. But he sheds one last tear for it, after saying some really terribly written stuff about fuck knows what.
So, let me get this straight. Thanks to this unlucky issue, Superman-Prime, Monarch, Monarch’s army, which includes every recruit from Countdown: Arena, most of the Crime Society from Earth-3, Lord Havok and the Extremists, plus six billion people living on Earth-51, not to mention the millions and millions of other beings living throughout the universe, were killed? Killed to death? I know that lots of people say Dan Didio has a hard-on for killing characters off, but goodness gracious, great balls of fire, that’s a lot of murder. That’s not even genocide; that’s omnicide.
I guess we’re down to 51 universes left. Oh well. One less thing.
I’d go as far as saying we’re really only left with 50, because once Whineyboy Prime destroyed that Earth a few weeks back (or whenever it was), he effectively removed any chance of anybody at DC wanting to write about that particular universe. Highly unlikely they’re gonna write about a place where all the inhabitants are green aliens or whatever, right?
As for this issue, based on what I’ve seen at Scans Daily and here – man oh man. Once again, they take an interesting idea – homicidal pairing of batman and robin – and then call in the WHAAAAAmbulance.
Actually, a universe sized WHAAAAmbulance.
All that useless “buildup” for the whole Monarch army thing (did they even ever explain where he came from, or who was actually in the suit, or why Captain Atom was acting like that if he WAS in there?) and then, pop, just like that, BAMMO OK THATS DONE NOW ONTO THE NEXT BIT QUICK!
It’s just surreal. Surreal, and smelling vaguely like a gigantic deposit of horseshit. On the bright side, every time Dan Didio googles himself he’ll have to put up with looking at the fourth highest entry and wondering why its higher ranked than his myspace page.
Hahaha.
What garbage. What utter, puerile crap. What a steaming pile of rancid horseshit.
I haven’t spent a dime on comics since I’ve been able to track them through blogs like this one, and am I glad for that. Both companies flat-out suck – you get your choice between the fascist 616 Universe where every other alternate reality is a one-shot, throw-away plot device, or the equally piss-poor DC universe where the new multiverse is a one-shot,throw-away plot device. Mix in a complete disregard for continuity in both companies and viola’! – instant bullshit, at $3.75 per issue in glorious color!
Bah, hum-shit. Both companies need to turn their properties over lock, stock, and barrel to their animation departments (I’m thinking X-Men: Evolution, not that emo-laiden manga bullshit from the early 1990s) and call it a day.
(Pushes up dan(diddio)druff crusted glasses the bridge of his nose)
Actually, it was, ULTRAMAAAAN who Sklutched kill horny Batman.